February 11, 1994
Hey there, Random Rangers! Boy, has your pal Scotto got a treat for you today! As we all know, Valentine's Day is just a hop, skip and a flying leap through a rolling donut around the corner, and we here at "Random Access" have got some advice for handling the unwanted amorous advances of those really disgusting people who, once a year, manage to scrape up the courage to actually approach the Normals. (The nerve!)
My friend Laurel is here to help address the problem, along with her second cousin, Crank Boy. Take this advice to heart, friends -- it's time to put disgusting people in their place!
RANDOM ACCESS: Let's start with a simple scenario. Let's say someone disgusting approaches you before class and hands you a Valentine? What's the best way to handle the situation?
LAUREL: Well... I like to make a big deal out of accepting the Valentine, all smiles, genuinely thanking the disgusting person and telling them how much I have always wanted to get a Valentine from this person, all the while ripping the Valentine into little pieces and then blowing the pieces in that person's face.
CRANK BOY: That's interesting, Laurel. Kind of a pump fake response, huh?
L: Definitely.
CB: The last time this happened to me, I just immediately ate the Valentine. No holds barred, you know?
L: That's kind of a kidney punch approach.
CB: Right, right. Then later on in the class, when I was actually vomiting the cardboard and lacy stuff, I made sure to make eye contact with the person who gave it to me, as if to say, "That's how much I care."
RA: Have you ever been on a Valentine date with someone you thought was a Normal, but who actually turned out to be a disgusting person?
L: That's only happened to me a couple of times, fortunately. I mean, these disgusting people are certainly getting better at disguising themselves as Normals, but...
CB: I remember the high school Valentine dance my senior year, I ended up with a really disgusting person...
L: That was the year the theme was Bon Jovi's "You Give Love A Bad Name," right?
CB: Right, right. And it was one of those group date situations where I was doing a favor for some of my friends... once we got there, though, it was obvious that the joke was on me. Disgusting hardly begins to cover the situation.
RA: So what happened?
CB: Well, I was lighting a cigarette, and I sort of ... "accidentally" ... set her putrid pink dress on fire.
L: I remember that! And she started screaming and running around the gym -- which was packed -- and pretty soon half the people there were on fire too! What a mess! That was so funny!
CB: For the rest of the night, whenever one of us said the words "Stop, drop and roll" we'd all bust out laughing.
L: Those were the days, huh.
RA: What about secret admirers?
L: Crank Boy and I have a professional hit man we hire to take care of people that disgusting.
CB: I get messages that say, you know, "Dear Crank Boy, I have always loved you, would you be my valentine lovey-dovey honey sweetheart sugar baby, love, your secret admirer," and I send 'em a note right back that says, "You disgusting pig. Hope you weren't using those legs," and then my hit man rips their legs right off.
L: We used to mount the legs over the fireplace, but you know, tastes change as you get older. Now we just give 'em to the dog and let him eat them.
RA: Do you have any parting Valentine advice for our loyal but misguided readership?
CB: It's important that the disgusting people not be allowed to breed. Write your senators today.
L: And if you're not dating a Normal this coming Valentine's Day, then obviously your life is worthless. Cheers!
That's all for today! Don't take any wooden nickels, Random Rangers! Don't let the bed bugs bite! And don't forget to floss!