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Thon! (or Attack of the Clones!)

Gary Coleman

by Scotto
(Huge roar of applause as lights come up on MAXWELL, who smiles and nods and graciously bows a couple of times.)

MAXWELL: Thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s so good to be back. Thanks to all our local affiliates who have been tirelessly manning the phones for us all across the country in our effort to rid the planet of intellectual dystrophy, otherwise known as simple human stupidity. It’s only through your kindness and generosity that we’ve come this far, and in a few minutes, we’ll take a look at the Big Scoreboard and see what our Big Total is, but first… it’s time to get serious for a moment or two, as we remind viewers all across the country just what a terrible blight intellectual dystrophy is, and how important it is that we round up all the stupid people and make sure they stop breeding. And here to help explain this awful affliction… you know him best as loveable Arnold Jackson from TV’s “Diff’rent Strokes”… here he is, folks… Gary Coleman!

(Huge round of applause as GARY COLEMAN enters, played by a tall woman wearing an enormous fat suit who waddles out next to MAXWELL. She’s got a gigantic jar of mayonnaise in one hand and a spoon in the other.)

GARY COLEMAN: Thanks, friends, thanks. (she takes a big heaping spoonful of mayonnaise and eats it; huge applause follows) Awww, thanks, really, you’re too kind.

MAXWELL: Thanks for being here, Gary Coleman.

GARY COLEMAN: What choo talking ‘bout, Maxwell?

(Huge applause)

MAXWELL: Now isn’t it true, Gary Coleman, that you have some first hand experience with intellectual dystrophy?

GARY COLEMAN: It’s true, Max. Since childhood I’ve been afflicted with intellectual dystrophy. It has stunted my growth, but more importantly, it has really left me a complete and total idiot.

MAXWELL: Don’t you wish you’d never been born sometimes?

GARY COLEMAN: All the time, Maxwell, all the time.

MAXWELL: And wouldn’t you say we’d be doing you a big favor if we just took you backstage and clubbed you to death like a baby seal?

GARY COLEMAN: Well, I don’t think there’s any danger of a freakish jackass like me ever getting a chance to breed, Max!

MAXWELL: That’s true, Gary Coleman, but think of the important statement you’d be making to the people of this great land of our nation.

GARY COLEMAN: Well… okay, but gimme just one more bite of mayonnaise first!

MAXWELL: That’s the spirit, Gary Coleman!

(She eats another heaping spoonful of mayonnaise. Huge applause. GARY COLEMAN smiles, waves, and heads off into the wings.)

MAXWELL: There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Gary Coleman. What a trooper. And now—

(MAXWELL is interrupted by the sudden sound of several thuds, each punctuated by GARY COLEMAN shouting “Ow!” or “Fuck!” or “Shit!” until eventually, the sounds stop.)

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