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Thon! (or Attack of the Clones!)

Bobby Tortellini

by Scotto
MAXWELL: And now, folks, here he is, America’s most beloved stand up comedian, master of the quadruple entendre, the zaniest man alive, the funniest guy in show business, the most hilarious chap I know, the wizard of comedy… the master of the quadruple entendre… the zaniest man alive… the funniest guy in show business… the most hilarious chap I know… the wizard of comedy… the master of the quadruple entendre… the zaniest man alive… ladies and gentlemen… the funniest guy in show business… the most hilarious chap I know… (long, long pause)… the wizard of comedy… Mr. Bobby Tortellini!

(MAXWELL steps offstage as a roar of applause comes up. BOBBY TORTELLINI steps up to the microphone.)

BOBBY: Thank you, thank you. So what about that president, right? I mean, come on, right? I mean, he’s just such a dumbass, right? Right? You know what I'm saying? And hey, what about those airline peanuts? Huh? Huh? Am I right? Yeah, yeah. What about men -- aren't men jerks? I know! And they're so different from women. You know? You know what I'm saying? I mean, my wife -- she just doesn't understand me! Right? You know what I'm saying? And what about cancer? Doesn't that just suck? You know? You know? And hey, I mean, ethnic cleansing -- isn't that something? Well, isn't it? Yeah, man, and what about those suicide bombers? Holy cow, talk about a bunch of people who could ruin your day! Whoa! And hey, what about those lousy serial rapists? I mean, what is up with that? And let's say the Christians are right, and we all end up in hell -- wouldn't that totally suck? I mean, think about it! Ouch! Or worse, what if there's nothing and we live in a bleak existential world with no meaning and no hope? I mean, yuck! You know what I'm saying? I can't stand any of you people, really, and I think I need to head backstage and slit my wrists open and just plain bleed to death! You know what I'm saying? You picking up what I'm laying down here? Thanks, everyone, you've been a great audience! And fuck you, okay?

(A huge roar of applause comes up, as BOBBY waves and exits. MAXWELL returns center stage.)

MAXWELL: Thanks, Bobby, hilarious as always. (wipes a tear from his eye, he’s been laughing so hard) And Bobby, there’s razor blades in your dressing room, just for you. Okay, let’s keep this show rolling.



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