MAXWELL: Now we’d like to pause and take a moment to chat with one of the many individuals out there in this great land of our nation who call in with their donations. Remember, folks, without your help, we’ll never reach our goal of eradicating Intellectual Dystrophy by 3:00 next Saturday afternoon. Mildred, are you there?

MILDRED: (voice on phone) Yes, Maxwell, I’ve been a fan of yours ever since that very first sex offender trial back in 1962—

MAXWELL: That’s fantastic, Mildred, and how much are you donating tonight?

MILDRED: You know, I always thought that 12-year-old was lying—

MAXWELL: Fantastic, Mildred, you’re so generous! Where are you from, Mildred?

MILDRED: Oh my god, who let all those wild squirrels in the house?

MAXWELL: The Appalachian Mountains, you don’t say!

MILDRED: THEY’RE EATING THE BABY! MY GOD, THEY’RE FEASTING ON THE BABY’S FLESH!

MAXWELL: Well, thanks for calling, Mildred, we’ll talk to you again next year!

MILDRED: MY LEG! MOTHERFUCK, THEY’RE EATING MY LEG—(click)

MAXWELL: Ah, how I love the friendly people of the Appalachian Mountains. We’ll be right back after these commercial messages.