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Thon! (or Attack of the Clones!)

Jacqueline Vanderockwelldupont

by Scotto
MAXWELL: And now folks, we’d like to introduce you to one of our important corporate sponsors. Here tonight on behalf of the Infinitek Corporation, the company’s CEO and Chairperson of the Board, ladies and gentlemen, Jacqueline Vanderockwelldupont! Good evening, Jacqueline!

(JACQUELINE is relentlessly cheerful and gracious, all marketing schmooze and smiles.)

JACQUELINE: Good evening, Maxwell!

MAXWELL: Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to be with us here tonight. Tell us, Jacqueline, just what exactly does the Infinitek Corporation do?

JACQUELINE: Well, Maxwell, mostly we refer to our activities as “things which man should have left alone.” Infinitek is a global corporation that is responsible for such handy products as the Strawberry Shortcake Biological Warfare Lab, our special brand of Rocket Powered Toilet Paper, and of course, everyone’s favorite after school snack, Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Razor Blade Pies.

MAXWELL: They’re delicious and nutritious.

JACQUELINE: Exactly. You know, ever since Infinitek was founded back in 1923 by disciples of Cthulhu, the blind writhing god of destruction at the center of the universe, we’ve made it our top priority to help prepare the planet for Cthulhu’s eventual arrival, when he will consume the poor human flesh puppets of Earth in a bloody, terrifying rampage. And that means making sure the only humans who are left are the smartest, tastiest morsels. That’s why it’s my pleasure to present you with this check to the Intellectual Dystrophy Association!

(A member of the cast brings out a very large check, made out to the Intellectual Dystrophy Association in the amount of $4.18. The memo field says “RID EARTH OF STUPID PEOPLE”, and the signature is “NYARLATHOTEP.” A huge round of applause comes up.)

MAXWELL: Jacqueline, thanks so much for Infinitek’s continuing support.

JACQUELINE: Well, as we like to say around the office, Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

(And MAXWELL and JACQUELINE laugh and laugh and laugh as she and her check exit.)

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