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Thon! (or Attack of the Clones!)
by Evan Mosher
MAXWELL: Time once again to go to the source. The fossil fuel of spectacles such as these. Folks, this is the reason we're here. The cause for our effect, the carrot on our stick. Another Intellectually Dystrophied caller. Caller, are you there?
CALLER: (shouting to someone else in the room) I think I got through! Is this 911?
MAXWELL: Hello, caller, where are you calling from?
CALLER: Shit, it's the TV man again! Every time I dial 911 I get you!
MAXWELL: Caller, please turn your television down.
CALLER: Please send help! They're everywhere, I think I hear them on the stairs! We can't breathe! Send the Army! The city is covered! We need the police and the firemen! And an ambulance! MAXWELL: Are you enjoying our programming this year?
CALLER: Is that blood? Sweet merciful marching band Christ on a flagpole, I've never seen so much blood! OH GOD PLEASE SEND HELP TO OUR CITY.
MAXWELL: Thank you very much for your call. Someone will take your support pledge in just a moment. Take care, caller.
CALLER: The fucking Space Needle just fell over! I taste metal! My hand is fused to the phone! Oh the gnawing pain! The terror! The terror! (click)
MAXWELL: I feel a great deal of satisfaction when I see that what we do here actually does affect people's lives. Help that caller, help those like him, help yourself. Call now. Any number will do.
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