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Thon! (or Attack of the Clones!)

Max Falls Asleep

by José Amador
MAXWELL: Folks, we have once again reached: My Favorite Part of the Show! (smattered applause from the cast members who aren’t getting ready for the next bit) Oh my! Oh yes! I’m afeared, yes, I am afeared of what would have become of me, if it hadn’t been for the kind intervention of my next guest. Please, a warm welcome for—

(MAXWELL stops mid sentence, frozen CS, as if someone had switched him off. His eyes remain open for a beat, and then they close. He stands as still as humanly possible, quietly snoring. Long long long long. Long long long long pause. The rest of the cast waits. They exchange looks. RON approaches MAXWELL. The rest of the cast closes in on MAXWELL. RON waves them back. RON waves his hand in front of MAXWELL’s face. No reaction. RON bites MAXWELL’s arm. No reaction. Then…)

MAXWELL: --sical stylings of Steve Gutten—

(MAXWELL goes back to zero just as quickly as he was out of it. Everyone, except RON, had hidden at the outburst. RON had covered his face with his arms. He then pulls a Klobe, hits his head three times, and holds his hand out. He takes a deep breath, and somehow procures a ukelele. He lip-synchs the following to some approximation of the Charleston:)

PRERECORDED SINGER:

Sleeping

Sleeping

Hey everybody he’s sleeping

He drools he snores—

(Members of the cast cross up to RON and slap him or shush him to quiet. He shuts up. The crew looks at MAXWELL warily. Eventually they start making barnyard/jungle animal noises, to see if that will wake up. When it becomes clear he is totally out, BOBBIE MENINGITIS shouts out:)

BOBBIE: Two three four!

CAST: She’ll be coming round the mountain when she comes

She’ll be coming round the mountain when she comes

She’ll be coming round the mountain

She’ll be coming round the mountain

She’ll be coming round the mountain when she comes

(The cast loses interest and drifts away. A beat or three. BEATRICE sticks her head out. She sees MAXWELL asleep, and recognizes that this is her chance to apply his make up. She slowly approaches. Gets to an arm’s length away. Comes closer. Applies some pancake onto a sponge and is about an inch away when MAXWELL wakes up. He grabs her arm and bites it off. There’s a struggle. And then, there’s probably some blood.)

SKIP: Go to commercial! Go to commercial!



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