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Thon! (or Attack of the Clones!)

David Copperfield

by Scotto
MAXWELL: And now, folks, you’re in for a real magical experience. He made the Statue of Liberty disappear, he levitated across the Grand Canyon, and he convinced Claudia Schiffer that he’s human and not some weird, animatronic monstrosity. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, David Copperfield!

(DAVID COPPERFIELD strides on stage, looking dark and mysterious, with huge bushy black eyebrows.)

MAXWELL: Thank you so much for being here, David Copperfield.

DAVID COPPERFIELD: It’s my pleasure. (he strikes an overly dramatic pose) Tonight! Here! Live! On this very stage! I will attempt to perform one of my most dangerous and mysterious tricks EVER! (with an overly dramatic flourish, he produces a deck of cards and fans it for Maxwell) Pick a card, Maxwell Beep – ANY card.

(After a pause, MAXWELL picks a card. Immediately Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding Out For A Hero” begins blaring starting at the chorus, and DAVID COPPERFIELD begins an elaborate, overly dramatic movement piece. Two SEXY DANCERS join him, and they dance and strike dramatic poses, pointing mysteriously at MAXWELL. Finally the music screeches to a halt, and DAVID COPPERFIELD lands in a dramatic pose right next to MAXWELL.)

DAVID COPPERFIELD: (shouting as though his life depended on it) Maxwell Beep! Is! Your! Card! (dramatic pause) The two of clubs???

(MAXWELL glances at his card.)

MAXWELL: Nope.

(A very confused DAVID COPPERFIELD glances nervously at his DANCERS, who seem shocked.)

DAVID COPPERFIELD: It isn’t?

MAXWELL: Nope.

DAVID COPPERFIELD: (hesitates, then strikes another dramatic pose) Is! Your! Card! The eight of diamonds???

MAXWELL: Getting colder.

DAVID COPPERFIELD: (breaks pose, frustrated) Wait a minute, let me see that. (he snatches the card back from MAXWELL, looks at it, smacks his forehead) Oh, right, I see what I did. Okay, let me try that again. (begins shuffling cards)

MAXWELL: Now wait—

DAVID COPPERFIELD: SILENCE!

(The SEXY DANCERS strike a dramatic pose on the word ‘Silence’ with their fingers over their lips)

DAVID COPPERFIELD: Maxwell Beep, pick a card – ANY card!

MAXWELL: Uh, how about the eight of spades?

DAVID COPPERFIELD: (thrusts deck in MAXWELL’s face) Pick a card FROM THE DECK!

MAXWELL: Oh. (he picks a card)

(“Holding Out For A Hero” starts blaring again, and this time the dancing and posing is very heavy on the pelvic thrusting. The music screeches to a halt.)

DAVID COPPERFIELD: Is! Your! Card! The four of hearts?

MAXWELL: Nope.

DAVID COPPERFIELD: God DAMN it!

(The SEXY DANCERS begin to drift off stage in disgust.)

DAVID COPPERFIELD: (to DANCERS, pleading) No, wait, I’ll get it, I promise! (to MAXWELL) Nine of diamonds?

MAXWELL: Nope.

DAVID COPPERFIELD: Queen of spades?

MAXWELL: Nope.

DAVID COPPERFIELD: Seven of clubs?

MAXWELL: (lights up) Hey--

DAVID COPPERFIELD: (jubilant) AHA!

MAXWELL: --that’s not it.

DAVID COPPERFIELD: God DAMN it!

MAXWELL: Hey, I got an idea for a magic trick.

DAVID COPPERFIELD: Oh really.

MAXWELL: (pulls a big knife) Now first, I’m going to jam this knife right into your stomach.

(He stabs DAVID COPPERFIELD in the stomach. DAVID COPPERFIELD collapses to the floor, dead.)

MAXWELL: Oh wait, that’s not a magic trick, it’s just something I’ve wanted to do for a long, long time. Ah well!


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