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Donnie Vendetta

by Scotto
MAXWELL: And now it’s time for a very special part of our program. You know, folks, back when I was just getting started in this industry, you may remember a very special series of movies that I appeared in… they were road movies, buddy movies, comedies that left an indelible impression on a generation… movies like “What A Crazy Mixed Up Wacky Zany Far Out Fucked Up World” and of course, “Hey, Lady, Nice Ass!” My partner in crime in those movies went on to have a wonderful singing career in the popular music of the day, producing such hits as “If You Ever Spill On My Tux Again, I’ll Kill You” and “New York City, You’re My Bitch,” and now, here he is to share the stage with me once again. Ladies and gentlemen… the one and only, Mr. Donnie Vendetta.

(DONNIE VENDETTA appears, wearing a tux and holding a martini, to the sounds of big band theme music. He and MAXWELL embrace like old friends.)

DONNIE: Maxwell Beep, you old jackass, I can’t believe it’s been almost twenty years since we last saw each other.

MAXWELL: Twenty long years since we last appeared on a movie soundstage together.

DONNIE: Twenty long years since we appeared on the old “Tonight Show” together.

MAXWELL: Twenty long years since we kidnapped those 14-year-olds together.

DONNIE: You know, it seems just like yesterday.

MAXWELL: I can practically still hear them, screaming from the trunk.

DONNIE: (waving his hands, making fun) “Let us out, let us out! We can't breathe!”

MAXWELL: Those were the days, Donnie.

DONNIE: They really were, Max.

MAXWELL: So what’s kept you busy all these years, Donnie?

DONNIE: Well, let’s see… you remember my voluptuous wife, Marguerite?

MAXWELL: Boy, do I!

DONNIE: Right. Well, Marguerite and I had a little falling out and went our separate ways. Those were very rough days, but I comforted myself in the company of an absolutely marvelous woman, Georgette, a woman who’s still with me to this very day.

MAXWELL: You don’t say!

DONNIE: Granted, I don’t take the chains off her very often, and she really doesn’t like that basement cell, but that’s the way life goes sometimes.

MAXWELL: Ain’t that the truth. Well, it sure sounds like you’ve kept yourself busy. Donnie, how about doing a little number for us, for some of our viewers who might want to hear your dulcet voice again after all these years?

DONNIE: Funny you should ask, Max. I’ve been working on a brand new album and it would be my privilege to perform one of the new tracks for you here tonight.

MAXWELL: Fantastic!

DONNIE: Now it’s been eighteen years since my last Top 40 hit, and times have changed since then. But I’ve been working with a new producer, someone who’s young and hip and with it. We’ve taken my old sound, and we’ve made it into something fresh and phat, as the kids say. I really think you’re going to like it.

MAXWELL: Fantastic! Ladies and gentlemen, the dulcet tones of Mr. Donnie Vendetta!

(MAXWELL steps aside as a spot comes up on DONNIE by himself. A huge thumping techno beat comes up that seems to go on and on and on while DONNIE just stands there, waiting for his cue. After what seems like ages, the beat suddenly grinds to a halt, and in the sudden silence, DONNIE chimes in.)

DONNIE: “Hey, baby, are you 18?”

(The techno beat comes up again, and again we sit and wait while DONNIE just stands there, occasionally sipping from his martini, until his cue comes up again.)

DONNIE: “Hey, baby, I got something to show you.”

(The techno beat comes up again, and DONNIE waits, sips, and then chimes in.)

DONNIE: “Of course it’s real. Now get in the car.”

(The techno beat comes up once more, and then DONNIE finishes with a flourish.)

DONNIE: “Hey, no bleeding on the Corinthian leather!”

(Lights come up to a thunderous ovation, and DONNIE bows and makes his exit.)

MAXWELL: Thank you so much for being here, Donnie.

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