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Thon! (or Attack of the Clones!)

The Big Total

by Scotto
MAXWELL: And now, folks, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. It’s time to check the Big Scoreboard and out what the Big Total is!

(Applause as the cast pushes on a big scoreboard, covered with a cloth for the time being.)

MAXWELL: Now as you know, we’ve been broadcasting for nearly four thousand eight hundred and fifty-three consecutive hours, and you’ve been calling in, pledging from the heart, and I want you to know right now, despite the fact that I haven’t slept in all that time and whenever I close my eyes all I see are a litany of gruesome things I’ll someday do to some homeless 14-year-old street waif, it has ALL BEEN WORTH IT, every last moment of it. And this is the moment of truth. Could I have a drum roll please?

(Drum roll. MAXWELL pauses for dramatic effect, then yanks the cloth off the scoreboard. It’s a big cheesy scoreboard, and it reads in big numbers: “$000,000,000,038.42.”)

BIFF: The Big Total is $38.42!

(A long moment of silence follows, as MAXWELL stares at the scoreboard, completely incredulous. He turns toward us, puts his head down momentarily, shakes his head as though on the verge of weeping. At long last, he looks up at us.)

MAXWELL: Friends, I… I just don’t know what to say. This… (gestures to the scoreboard)… after all this time, and… and all this work… from so many people, and this… this sum here is… is… well, I can’t really soften the truth any, this sum here is… fifty… cents… MORE THAN WE RAISED LAST YEAR!

(Sudden whoops of joy. Enormous bursts of applause. Confetti and ribbons and chex mix and glitter rain down from above as the entire cast and crew charge on stage and begin cheering.)


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