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The Short Play Brigade

Evil Ted 1, 2 & 3

EVIL TED #1

(1 & 2 hang around SR chatting. 3 runs on in a panic.)

3: Hey you guys! Hey you guys! Did you hear the news?

1&2: No! What news?

3: Evil Ted is headed this way!

1&2: OH NO!

(Theme music come up as EVIL TED enters from the rear and comes center
stage, swaggering.)

EMCEE: That's right, it's Evil Ted, menace to all of Burning Man!

1&2: NOT EVIL TED!!

3: Look, there he is!

(Music out)

EVIL TED: (pleading) Come on guys, I'm not evil! I'm just misunderstood!

3: Don't listen to him! He's Evil!

1&2: AAAAAHHHHHH!

EVIL TED: Wait!

(1, 2 and 3 run off, leaving EVIL TED alone.)

EVIL TED: Aw, man. Nobody understands me. I was just following
orders when I fucked that dog and threw it off a cliff!

EVIL TED #2

(Same exact opening; new punchline.)

EVIL TED: Aw, man. Nobody understands me. I was just folling
orders when I polluted the entire water supply of Neward, New Jersey, with
LSD -- and not good LSD, either, but the really bad speedy kind, and everybody
was running around twitching and talking about the aliens... Come on, that's
not evil, that's just good clean fun!

EVIL TED #3

(Same exact opening; new punchline.)

EVIL TED: Aw, man. Nobody understands me. I was just following
orders when I took all those psychedelic drugs and became one with the
universe and then started a drug cult!

(3 reappears)

3: Wait a minute. That doesn't sound so evil.

EVIL TED: It's not. It's just LSD. Here -- try some!

(EVIL TED hands 3 a sugarcube, which 3 consumes.)

3: Oh man...

EVIL TED: (evilly) Yes... Yes, it's working! (evil music comes
up)

3: Oh my God... all the colors!!

EVIL TED: Now you listen to me! I am Evil Ted!

3: Evil Ted... woooowwwww...

EVIL TED: Yes, you listen to me, OR YOU'RE NEVER COMING DOWN!
MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

3: No... no... must... resist! Evil Ted, you big fat fucker!

(3 runs off.)

EVIL TED: Aw, man. Nobody understands me.



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