i really do enjoy being alive. i really really do. for all the bullshit that i put up with as a matter of course, for all the despair i regularly encounter as a person who believes in almost nothing, i still love being alive. i love the connections i have with my friends, despite absolutely silly odds. i love the challenges life keeps throwing at me. so what if it's meaningless. so what if the economy's about to collapse, or we're all about to get bombed into oblivion. i love this "being alive" business. it tickles me, cracks me up. oh sure, there's always more i could be doing: more people i could be fucking, more candy i could be eating, more money i could be wasting on frivolous things. but so what? i do all right. music is cool to listen to. books are cool to read. food is cool to eat. girls are cool to stare at. plays are cool to watch. stupid dumbfucks who don't agree with me are fun to insult. you get the picture. i like it here. i'm sure being dead and gone isn't going to suck, but by the same token, this "being alive" business ain't so bad.

i'm definitely not afraid of death, though. i'm not suicidal by any stretch, but i also won't be pissed off or disappointed when the end finally comes. hit the reset button, score returns to zero. disintegration of the self doesn't bother me at all. there comes a time when you have to get off the roller coaster, and that's not going to bother me. deeper than "rest", more powerful than "sleep", non-existence my only prayer, unraveling my only end. slip away. dissipate. perhaps a quick gunshot will end me, perhaps i will slide away in my sleep. my ego often wonders what my funeral will be like. thank god it will never know!

i dare not ask for more, but it keeps coming nevertheless.