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private chat

[person] and how is your day at work so far?
[self] it has been a grueling day.
[person] that makes eight in a row for you, doesn't it?
[self] yes, upper management made some STUPID decisions
[self] now my entire team is stranded in kansas while we wait for this to get cleared up
[self] they can't let us go home because at any given moment we might be needed to finish up
[self] finish up or do *something*
[person] that sounds awful
[person] i worked the weekend but at least i can go home
[person] not that 'home' is an enjoyable place to be
[self] we need new careers
[person] yes
[person] yes, i have a wish list, and 'new career' is at the top, though of course i am enough of a cynical bastid to know that every other career would also be shit
[self] perhaps
[person] are you still looking into that transfer?
[self] yes, though if they transferred me to that office, it would just be infuriating since i would still have to travel constantly
[self] it would be infuriating to know that most of my stuff would be in the same city as you, but not me
[person] :)
[person] well, one step at a time
[person] first you get the transfer
[person] then we take over the company
[person] voila, no more traveling
[self] i will keep that plan in mind
[self] i am exhausted by not seeing you, or being with you
[self] i have come to loathe certain aspects of my internet experience
[self] those aspects that continually bring me in contact with amazing people, only to remind me that they live in far flung parts of the planet
[self] i can't survive that way
[person] you aren't expected to.
[self] i have needs that surpass all of this
[person] yes
[self] the people i work with are fine upstanding citizens, you understand
[person] yes
[person] perfectly good dinner companions i'm sure
[person] for a night out at the local bennigan's
* self thawks person with a juicy bennigan's hamburger
[self] they are, how shall i say it... non-inspiring
[person] i do hope you are spending prodigious amounts of time in the hotel hot tub at least
[self] the worst bit of torture is this piece of shit hotel has no hot tub
* person faints
[person] good christ.
[person] you should be able to sue for that
[self] i don't want to talk about my ugly job any more
[person] we could talk about my ugly job
[self] aha! sounds delightful!
[person] that was a joke. although it is true, we are both still at work, catching each other on irc, and it strikes me that we should be allowed to sue *someone* for this sad state of affairs
[person] i will continue looking forward to your transfer
[person] should that happy day arrive, of course.
[self] how are things at home, then?
[person] a little grim
[person] she hasn't moved out yet
[person] i am looking forward to her leaving
[person] i am severely sad about it all
[self] yes
[person] i am happy that we are actually talking as friends a lot though
[person] making the best of this denouement
[self] that's good
[person] we traced the decay and malaise of our relationship back several years, to an episode wherein i declined to get married
[person] it was something she desperately wanted
[self] i didn't know that
[person] well
[person] that was a few years ago and i was younger
[person] i did not want to be married. i felt that getting married was no good way to build a damn relationship
[person] anyways
[person] she read that as a lack of desire or commitment on my part to build a home
[person] and then, you know..
[person] my stupid fucking job
[person] well, i was traveling at that time too, you know
[person] living in hotel rooms during the week
[person] having crash course seminars in "what is this thing called social life" on the weekends
[person] i think she was right about all kinds of things
[person] i got very detached and afraid
[person] uh
[person] hmmm.
[person] well anyways.
[self] that's rough
[person] well, whatever. her desire for some kind of solid family life was not going to play itself out with me, if i hadn't been traveling we probably would have fallen out a long time ago
[self] are you the kind of person who falls into 'rebound' relationships?
[person] aha, trying to get me to incriminate myself
[person] well i have been thinking all too much about what it is i think i 'want' out of life
[person] how i have fallen deeply in lust with a dozen of my close friends
[self] yes
[self] kerpow
[person] and yes, then there's you.
[person] well look, every third person i know is deeply in lust with you
[self] 'teehee'
[self] we hang out with a lusty crowd
[person] yeah, anyways, to answer your question, there is no 'usually' about how i find myself attracted to other people
[person] i do not particularly understand the mechanisms of my desire
[person] especially regarding your own beautiful self
* self feels self-conscious
[person] :)
[self] i should call you.
[person] yes
[person] actually i can call you, i'm still in the office. what's the hotel number?

* * * * *

"Well, look, when things get rough for me, I have a rather beaten little piece of disposable wisdom that I rely on to force things into perspective."

"Let's hear it."

"It makes me feel so trite and contrived when I think about my life and my complaints and consider that there are people in the world who would love to be in my position. Not just the people who work for me and wish they could get a promotion, because they think my fucking life is glamorous. I'm talking about people who are, you know, actually honest to god starving to death somewhere. Or, fuck, you know, people are being bombed or shot or hacked to death somewhere on the planet every single day of the year. And people are being hauled off to prison because of their beliefs. And people are succumbing to this crime and that crime and they're victims now and they all wish it wasn't happening to them. Or at least that's what I imagine. I don't know. I'm a detached American and I only know what the media tells me, but good fucking christ I have a good imagination, and I imagine that some lives on this world contain a lot more beauty than others, and mine happens to contain an immense amount of beauty. And it, it... it trivializes my complaints so severely. It humbles me, and more than that... I feel so incredibly stupid and selfish for every moment I catch myself grumbling about long hours and stupid management and oh gee my girlfriend is leaving me. It's just fucking...."

Long silence.

"Yeah, well, yeah."

"I'm sorry to rant. You're stuck in a hotel, you don't need-"

"No, I know what you're on about. I don't turn the TV on while I travel because I don't want to know what state the world is in. I don't want to come back to the hotel after a long stupid day at a client site, and then turn on the TV and see that fifteen people were gunned down that day, I just... I don't want that in my life. There's nothing I can do, and so-"

"Well, that's the illusion, certainly, that there's nothing you can do, but look, what do you want to do? About, uh, violence in America, or, world hunger? You don't believe you can do anything, and so you don't. And that's why nothing gets done, I guess."

"Yes. You either join the Peace Corps before adult life burns your idealism clean out of you, or else you writhe within the machine til the end of your days."

"I don't want any of that."

"Yeah, well."

Long silence.

"If you got a transfer to your company's office out here, would your job change at all?"

"A little. They've got a pharmaceuticals division they're trying to build out there, so I could probably be really useful there."

"Is that an improvement over what you're doing now?"

"It's all management consulting. I enjoy helping companies improve. I enjoy it on a theoretical level, that is. I enjoy solving complicated problems and being good at it; that's why I took the job." Pause. "There's a fuck of a lot I don't enjoy, though."



"What I would enjoy most is to join you in a hot tub somewhere right now, I have to tell you."

"Mmmm," a smile, "that is something I would also enjoy."

"We could distract ourselves from the ridiculous pressure cooker of our bourgeois lives."

"Yes, pretend for a few hours that the only important thing in life is skin against skin."

"Skin against skin," repeated, hushed tones, yes.

* * * * *

Subj: Your impending visit

self writes:
yes i have the dates confirmed now. i realize i won't be able to stay with you but i'm definitely looking forward to as much time with you as possible. i am considering the visit a 'scouting mission'. it is entirely possible if not probable that, company or not, i could wind up there. mostly due to the 'being around the amazing people'. you have quite a little community there, you know. i think that's what i want more than anything right now. i guess it will come down to making some kind of professional sacrifice in order to have the personal flow that i need, but i mean, i *really* *really* do not want to believe that i am 'only in it for the money'.

yes, well, perhaps what we can do, see, is start our own company.

the way i see it, we'll figure out some hip "internet start-up" scenario. i mean, you have a giant brain, and i am capable of enormous amounts of schmooze. "it HAS to work!" then we'll hire all of our friends, and we'll put in ludicrous amounts of hours building it mostly because we get to spend those hours with people we love. "oh, i know it's idealistic, but DAMMIT, we have to start somewhere! and those old costumes grandma has up in the attic, we can get those down, and i'm sure uncle jed will let us use the barn... we could put on a REAL SHOW!"

anyways. looking forward to your impending visit, my dear,

* * * * *

[person] and then you were gone.
[person] i'm not at all sure i can handle it.
[person] well, i'm sure i can handle it in the sense that i will not commit suicide any time in the near future.
[person] i am committed to the 'being alive' thing no matter what else is going on
[person] but.
[person] six days.
[person] i am too recently damaged by own inability to express myself to someone i loved dearly
[person] an inability to communicate the desire i had to build a life together
[person] an unwillingness to take risks where she was concerned
[person] there is no future to build
[person] there is no time to spare
[person] aphorisms aside, it is clear i have some growing up to do.
[person] while you were here, though, i found myself reconsidering any number of things
[person] it's not that i have any expectations
[person] i don't
[person] they're dangerous
[person] so please don't get me wrong
[person] i understand you have commitments elsewhere
[person] i have told you before and i will tell you again, i do not want to be yet another person in your life clamoring for attention
[person] i am in no position to make claims
[person] i can only say with assurance that time with you seems like a blessing
[person] and i want more of it
[person] i will accept as much of you as i can, and consider it a gift
[person] and while you wander the world, visiting your desmenses, enjoying the pleasure of your courtiers' company, i have plenty of life to enjoy in the meantime
[person] i have an intense desire to tell you i love you each time i speak to you on the telephone, but words are loaded, and i don't want to be misunderstood
[person] the things i said to you during your week here were not intended to coerce
[person] only to inform
[person] and to fill you with a little bit of my own pleasure at being a courtier
[person] i hope this makes sense
[person] i haven't felt like this in years now
[person] i have had to resist so many urges and desires along the way
[person] and now i do not
[person] and there you are
[person] god, i hope this makes sense
[person] i mustn't fail you the way i've failed everyone else
[person] i want so badly to learn this lesson
[person] i want so badly to be with you for even just 20 minutes a day
[person] i want you to know what i'm going through without making you feel obligated to intervene
[person] although
[person] when you do intervene, it is luscious
[person] so.
[person] there it is.
[person] now...
* person waits
*** self ( has joined #privatechat
[self] hey :)
[person] hey
[person] i was wondering when you were going to show up

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