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Soap Opera Digest

(TELEPHONE VOICE stands CS, holding her fingers up to her ears to signify a phone receiver, and speaks with an absolutely wild amount of enthusiasm.)
TELEPHONE VOICE: Thank you for calling SoapLine, your source for the hottest storylines in daytime television!  Here's what's happening on your favorite programs for the week of August 31st through September 4th.  On "The Rich and the Powerful," Lance receives word that he has been cut from his mother's will, and in a horrible rage, he spends the day golfing.  Meanwhile, Carlisle and Brick get one step closer to finding out Sandy's real identity; and Sasha makes passionate love to Annette for twelve hours on the beach.  On "Hospital World," Lucinda confronted Matt on the balcony; the surprise witness at Cal's trial turned out to be his former lover and sworn enemy, Jeanette; and Robin's second personality, "Sheila", was revealed.  On "The Wild and the Unlaundered," Josephine fell asleep at the wheel of her minivan and plowed into the side of a schoolbus, killing dozens of young children on their way to kindergarten; and Marcellus had a relapse and huffed a gallon of paint thinner.  On "Misery Loves Company," Roger's plastic surgeon accidentally removed his nose and replaced it with a baboon's ass; Bobbie fell into a vat of cottage cheese and drowned; and Michael got his elbows caught in a meat grinder at the deli.  On "Sexy People Getting Down", Ronald and Melissa stripped to the bone and fucked each other like wild dingos in the outback; Theodore gave Yolanda the cunnilingus of her life, causing her to shout "Every other man in my life has had a tongue like a cheese grater compared to you, baby!"; and Jeffrey discovered Marcia butt naked in a bathtub full of chocolate sauce, and casually remarked, "Hey, baby, let's fuck!"  Finally, on "The Edge of Chaos," Mel accidentally snorted several grams of DMT, after which his entire face completely melted off all over the goddamn floor; Randy joined a strange internet drug cult and found his life transformed by the people, the places, the love, the compassion, and of course, the relentless series of DMT enemas which he was powerless to resist; a tanker truck full of DMT accidentally smashed into County Hospital, spilling gallon after endless gallon of DMT all over everything, soaking dozens and dozens of people in the strange fabric of a bizarre and frightening encounter with malevolent alien intelligences who proceeded to suck their souls COMPLETELY DRY; and Louise realized that she'd left her checkbook at the bank, and had to go all the way back for it... WHILE SLURPING AYAHUASCA OUT OF A TWO LITRE  BOTTLE SO FAST IT WAS MAKING HER ENTIRE GODDAMN HEAD VIBRATE LIKE A MAGNIFICENT INTERDIMENSIONAL BEACON SIGNALLING THE END OF THE WHOLE FUCKING PLANET!  Oh my fucking GOD could I use some DMT right now!  Holy fucking SHIT I need some DMT right now!  Anybody out there got any fucking DMT??  I just need one little VAT full of DMT, that's ALL I FUCKING NEED, ALL RIGHT?  ALL RIGHT?  Whoo boy!  (pause; then extremely casual) Hey, man, anybody out there know how to score any drugs?

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