A space station. ELLIE is our tour guide, leading KELLIN, JAYCE, CARISSA, and JOHNNY onto the observation deck.

ELLIE: All right, everyone, here we are on the observation deck, where we’ll be spending the next hour. Please grab a seat - is everyone comfortable? Now how many of you are visiting the station for the first time?

Everyone raises their hands.

ELLIE: And how many of you are actually in space for the first time?

Everyone keeps their hands in the air.

ELLIE: Oh wow, well you’re definitely in for a treat, yeah.

JAYCE: We’ve all put in a lot of time on simulators.

CARISSA: Some of us even simulated coming to the station.

KELLIN: What’s that supposed to mean?

CARISSA: You know exactly what that means.

ELLIE: Okay, yeah! Well in just a moment here, I’m going to activate the external cameras. At that point, the walls and the floor and the ceiling will all seem transparent, and you’ll be seeing directly into outer space. This can be a little disorienting, so if you need to use those little waste disposal bags we handed out at the start of the tour, don’t be shy, yeah.

KELLIN: How many people usually need to use them?

ELLIE: Usually one hundred percent of people, yeah. Okay are we ready?

Ellie gestures. The tourists are amazed - from their perspective, all the walls and the ceiling are transparent, enabling them to see directly into outer space. After a few beats, all four tourists abruptly vomit into tidy little bags. Then they quickly recover.

ELLIE: There it is, folks, outer space. Let’s just take a few moments of silence to appreciate that view, shall we?

JOHNNY: Where’s the comet?

ELLIE: Pretty sure we’re still having a few moments of silence, yeah.

JAYCE: It’s right there, jackass.

JOHNNY: Isn’t that the moon?

JAYCE: No, it’s the comet. You can tell because it’s moving.

JOHNNY: Pretty sure the moon is not a stationary object.

KELLIN: The moon doesn’t have a corona.

CARISSA: Neither does the comet.

KELLIN: What do you call that, then?

CARISSA: It’s just a vapor tail.

KELLIN: It’s outgas, isn’t it?

CARISSA: Sure, but it’s not plasma.

KELLIN: Oh, it’s not plasma, well excuse me.

ELLIE: I’ll just wait here patiently until we squeeze in those moments of silence, yeah.

Several beats of awkward silence. Then:

ELLIE: Okay! Now the Wells Comet was discovered almost two hundred years ago by Dr. Linda Wells, a pioneer in quantum astronomy. She discovered the Wells Comet from her own backyard, using a prototype quantum telescope that she’d designed herself. Now who knows what makes a quantum telescope different from a standard telescope?

KELLIN: Something something quantum entanglement, right?

JAYCE: Jesus, Kellin, did you even go to school?

KELLIN: I must have missed that day.

CARISSA: You were probably screwing around in a simulation.

KELLIN: For all I know I’m screwing around in a simulation right now.

ELLIE: Believe me, you’re not.

JOHNNY: Hey I’ve got a question. Is the comet supposed to be heading toward us?

ELLIE: It’s not heading directly toward us, no, but it’ll get close enough within the next hour that you’ll get quite a show from here on the observation deck.

JOHNNY: Because it looks like it’s heading directly toward us.

JAYCE: Don’t be ridiculous. They would move the station if it were heading directly toward us.

Suddenly everyone is jolted, Star Trek style, all in the same direction. After a beat:

ELLIE: Okay, well, it appears that the station commander has decided to move the station.

An awkward silence.

JOHNNY: It’s still heading directly toward us, isn’t it?

CARISSA: It moved.

KELLIN: It’s been moving this whole time.

CARISSA: No, I mean, it changed course just now.

ELLIE: Oh I’m sure that’s quite impossible. The station couldn’t possibly produce a gravitational effect significant enough to change the orbit of the comet from this distance.

JAYCE: She’s right, though. Look at it. It’s getting brighter, and it’s heading straight at us.

KELLIN: This must be… some kind of mistake, right? I mean, they wouldn’t sell tour packages to the station just to blow people up, would they?

JOHNNY: I don’t think you could get insurance for that.

KELLIN: Exactly.

A much bigger Star Trek jolt this time, lasting longer, causing them to hold onto each other; Ellie might even be jolted to one knee.

ELLIE: Okay, well, it appears that the station commander has decided to move the station again.

An awkward pause.

JOHNNY: I don’t want to be a downer here, but I mean, I was watching and that thing absolutely changed course.

JAYCE: That comet’s ten times the size of this station. If anything, the comet should be pulling us its direction, not the other way around.

KELLIN: That comet is chasing us!

CARISSA: The crew must have data that confirms what we’re seeing or they wouldn’t be moving the station!

ELLIE: The station’s equipped with a full battery of sensor equipment.

JAYCE: Wait, the crew is just monitoring the comet via sensors?

ELLIE: Do you see any of the crew here on the observation deck?

JAYCE: Everyone shut your eyes.

JOHNNY: What?

KELLIN: I think if I’m going to be pulverized into atoms, I’d prefer to see it coming.

JAYCE: Do it. Right now. Shut your eyes.

Everyone closes their eyes.

JAYCE: Little known fact, Linda Wells was my grandmother.

JOHNNY: So?

JAYCE: So… something something quantum entanglement.

KELLIN: What?

CARISSA: It’s chasing you?

JAYCE: Only when I’m observing it.

ELLIE: You’re totally making this shit up.

JAYCE: It’s spooky action at a distance!

CARISSA: That’s not what that means!

KELLIN: Maybe if we start believing that’s what it means, we won’t get pulverized into atoms!

JOHNNY: Maybe if we’re good, Santa will leave quantum telescopes in our stockings.

JAYCE: As long as none of us are actively observing the comet, it exists in a quantum superposition… flying past the station…. flying through the station… flying back where it came from…

CARISSA: But the moment we observe it…

JAYCE: The superposition is lost. Schrodinger’s cat is dead or alive - not both.

CARISSA: The comet blows us up or it doesn’t.

JOHNNY: So what do we do, just sit here with our eyes closed while you exhibit spooky nonlocal effects for the rest of eternity?

JAYCE: Just until we shut off the external cameras.

ELLIE: Okay, yeah, well I’ll just… stagger around the observation deck until I find the switch for the external cameras.

KELLIN: Man, now would be a hilarious time to learn we actually are stuck in a simulation.

JAYCE: Some people think reality itself is a simulation running inside a vast quantum computer.

CARISSA: Some people go to the Bahamas for a vacation instead of outer space.

JOHNNY: Booooooring.