November 12, 1993
I was playing Trivial Pursuit with my friend Laurel and her second cousin Crank Boy. I had just answered a question about the mating habits of ptarmigan in the Yukon when the doorbell rang. To my surprise, in walked none other than Satan himself, Lord of the Flies and ruler of the nether regions.
"Hello, all," he said with a charming grin. "Sorry I'm late."
Crank Boy stood up and said, "Oh, sorry, guys. I guess I forgot to mention that I invited Mephistopheles over to play."
"You invited Mephistopheles?" Laurel replied incredulously. "What are you, some kind of nutball?" Laurel, it seems, still hadn't gotten over that time Satan sent those poisonous frogs for her birthday.
"What's wrong with having Satan over?" Crank Boy asked. "I mean, besides the fact that we know he's going to cheat."
"Well," I said, "he's probably going to make a pretty big mess, too. It's hard to get brimstone out of the carpets."
"Come on, Scotto," Satan said. "I promise to keep it clean."
"You're lying," Laurel said.
"Of course I'm lying," Satan replied. "I'm the devil."
We started the game over. Turns out, Satan's pretty good at Trivial Pursuit, although he usually missed the sports questions. Toward the end of the game, however, Laurel made a quick phone call, and within minutes, the doorbell rang again. To my surprise, in walked none other than the Archangel Gabriel himself, with a lily in one hand and a bag of chips in the other.
"Hi, guys," Gabriel said. "Laurel said you were having a party."
Satan fixed a vicious glare at Laurel and said, "I don't find this very funny."
"Deal with the pain," Laurel replied.
We started the game over once more. This time, Crank Boy broke out the Mad Dog 20/20, and we finally started to loosen up -- all of us, that is, except Gabriel, who said, "I don't need drugs to have a good time." ("Pansy," Satan muttered.)
Gabriel turned out to be an exceptional Trivial Pursuit player, much better than Lucifer, and soon he had very nearly won the game. Finally, a very drunk Satan pulled out all the stops.
"All right, sissy," he said, "answer this: What was River Phoenix's real cause of death?"
Gabriel grimaced and said, "That's absolutely tasteless."
"Of course it's tasteless!" Satan replied. "I'm the devil! Now answer the question."
"He died of a drug overdose," said Gabriel.
"Wrong!" Satan shouted, leaping to his feet. "He sold his eternal soul to me, for the chance to play Indiana Jones! I'm the cause of death, do you hear? He tried to tell his friends, 'Oh, no, of course I don't worship the devil, of course I haven't accepted the Lord Satan into my life,' but it was too late! Too late, do you hear..." Satan staggered out into the street, sloshed. Crank Boy ran after him and tried to calm him down. Meanwhile, Laurel and I played frisbee with Gabriel's halo. By the time Crank Boy and Satan returned, Satan was crying and moaning about his incredible rent; I guess he was having horrible problems with the land Lord. He stumbled inside and passed out in the closet.
Laurel, Gabriel, and I sat on the front steps together and watched the stars. It was a tight fit; Gabriel's wings were pretty big. Eventually, Laurel got out her guitar, Gabriel got out his harp, and I got out my tuba, and the three of us played Simon and Garfunkel songs all through the night.
"You should come over more often, Gabriel," Laurel said, after we'd finished "The Boxer" for the 23rd time.
"And bring St. Peter next time," I said. "I hear those saints really know how to party."
"Nah," Gabriel replied. "All they ever talk about is 'martyr this' and 'martyr that.'" He stood up. "But thanks for having me over. Maybe next time we can watch 'Jesus Christ Superstar' or something." And with that, he flew off back to Heaven.
Laurel and I sat there together and watched the sun come up. It was exceptionally beautiful, even through the haze of our drunken stupor.
"You know," Laurel said, "it's times like these, watching the sun rise with your best friend after playing folk songs with an archangel of the Lord all night that you really wish the world didn't suck so much."
"Yeah," I replied. We went inside and fell asleep together on the couch. It was a pretty good night, all in all.