December 10, 1993

Well, Christmas time is here at last, and that means -- you guessed it! -- suckers are going to give you free junk. Yessir, the single greatest contribution our Lord and Savior ever made to the human race was giving us the handy tradition of swapping free stuff once a year. And we here at "Random Access" want you to have the swankiest darn Christmas you ever done had, so here are our swanky and mellifluous Christmas gift suggestions for this sizzling Yuletide season. Enjoy!

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For your dearly beloved mother: This is the woman who gave you the ultimate gift, the gift of life, and what better way to acknowledge her foresight in having you than to give her a ceramic cast of the Human Birth Canal! It would be swell if you could get a cast of her birth canal, but most folks don't keep ether around the house. So you'll have to be creative! And hey -- downtown Waterloo is off limits! This is a holy day, for goodness' sake!

For your caring and understanding father: Yessir, just for putting up with the likes of you, your dad deserves a whole assortment of "World's Number One Dad" paraphernalia: the shirt, the hat, the mug, the boxer shorts, the license plates, the wall-sized mural, the velvet rug painting, the complete tattoo set, the particle beam accelerator, the strange lake of raw sewage, the ten mile stretch of interstate, the giant jug of pig's blood and of course, the creamed cauliflower. And for those fathers who have been maimed in combine accidents, don't forget Open Wound and Scar Warmers!

For your doting and sweet old grandparents: Every set of grandparents needs a big ol' Periodic Chart of the Elements! How many times has Grandma called, interrupting a passionate session with a loved one, just to ask, "What's the atomic weight of cobalt, dearie?" Darn it, Grandma -- check yer chart! And don't sell back your Physical Geology textbooks this year either -- give 'em to Grandpop! They make better bedtime reading than "Fanny Hill" -- isn't that right, Grandma? (Wink wink!)

For your adorable siblings: Explore the wonderful world of staplers and please your little sis at the same time! Many people don't realize that staplers come in all shapes and sizes -- well, okay, there's really only one "stapler shape," but you get the idea. And the best part about staplers is that if you press 'em just right, little pointy things shoot out the end! The wonders of modern technology! And by the way, isn't it time you got your brother that floating garbage barge he's always wanted?

For your multitudinous cousins, nephews and nieces: Naturally, there's just too many young 'uns in the family to give them each an expensive, thoughtful gift. So give the gift that keeps on giving: squash!

For your screwball uncles and aunts: If your aunt and uncle are anything like mine (and if they aren't, get rid of 'em, quick!), they'll appreciate the Grade-A laughter brought on by an expertly-planned series of dangerous but hysterical practical jokes. I remember the time I knocked my aunt out with some ether (some of us do keep it around the house) and then cut off her arms with a hacksaw. You shoulda seen her expression when she finally came around! And thanks to the wonders of modern medical science, they were able to reattach her arms with only a 55% loss of functionality -- not bad considering the fun we'll have talking about it for years to come!

For your local parish priest: White cross amphetamines, of course! "White crosses -- because the War on Drugs is a Holy War, after all."

What to give somebody who has everything: I suggest a poster-sized picture of a whole bunch of people who have absolutely nothing! What a challenge it will be for them to tactfully accept that "starving Ethiopians at Christmastime" poster -- and of course, they'll feel obligated to hang it up! The guilt won't stop for years! Don't forget to remove the part of the picture that features Sally Struthers.

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That's all for now. Tune in next year as Crank Boy, Laurel and the whole "Random Access" gang stage a bloody university coup, delve into the seamy side of stamp collecting, and drink more pure grain alcohol than a donkey in a desert! Ciao for now!