January 28, 1994

Well, folks, I'm back from a whirlwind tour of these United States, and guess what -- I've got quite the tasty treat for you this week! That's right, we here at "Random Access" are proud to present a new feature called: "ASK CRANK BOY!"

Yes, our very own Crank Boy has agreed to answer a few questions from our loyal and misguided readership. The opinions represented here are not necessarily those of the "Northern Iowan," their affiliates, advertisers, relatives, acquaintances or neighbors; nor are they the opinions of the staff of "Random Access"; furthermore, they are probably not the opinions of Crank Boy himself; and finally, they are not the opinions of your friend and mine, Beerbelly the Invisible Clown.

So without further ado... take it away, CB!

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Dear Crank Boy, I miss new "Cheers" episodes. Should I make new ones in my lab? -- Dave, Chemistry

Dear Dave, You scientists are an affront to God. If the Lord God wanted new episodes of "Cheers," He would have given Ted Danson more hair. What you should be making in your lab is illegal drugs. Whip up a batch of liquid LSD and fill up my Little Mermaid wading pool with it. Don't blow yourself up, pig! -- CB

Dear Crank Boy, What's with all these different buildings? I feel like I'm going to class all over the tootin' place! -- Sonia, Undecided

Dear Sonia, You're telling me! It got to be where I couldn't go a week without walking to half a dozen different buildings. The nerve! Whoever planned this campus blew it. We need one really tall building, right in the middle, where all the classes take place, and all that extra space can be parking. Who can take a hostage so that this can happen? Come to think of it, let's take someone hostage anyway -- it's fun! Thanks for writing, pig! -- CB

Dear Crank Boy, I tried recipe #23 in your recently published "Mad Dog 20/20 Baking Ideas." The blueberries add a nice texture, but you call for way too much oregano for kiwi Mad Dog, man! -- Corey, Art

Dear Corey, The oregano in recipe #23 is specifically counteracted by the presence of the petroleum jelly, which you obviously forgot. Furthermore, if the oregano isn't to your taste, feel free to substitute Crest Tartar Control toothpaste, mint gel flavor and a big box of Arm & Hammer baking soda. Also, try cutting your stomach open and inserting the pastries directly -- why even bother with those troublesome taste buds? If that doesn't work -- drop dead, pig! -- CB

Dear Crank Boy, I've seen you someplace before, I just know it. Where have I seen you before? -- Concerned, Music Ed

Dear Concerned, It's no secret that I appeared on the first season of MTV's "The Real World." I was the cute one. I've also recently appeared in the major motion picture "Indecent Proposal 2," starring Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson as the lovers, George Burns as the wisecracking rich guy, and me as the guy who tells Woody Harrelson to get a career. I'm also appearing in the soon-to-be- released film, "Honey, I Skinned The Kids Alive" as the guy who tells Rick Moranis to sharpen his filet knives. Hope that helps, pig! -- CB

Dear Crank Boy, If a train leaves New York carrying 100 people and a ton of whale blubber and crashes into three school buses containing 200 people, what would be the right number of Ziploc baggies in which to carry home all that tasty flesh? -- Elmer, Physical Ed

Dear Elmer,
Whoa. Dude. -- CB

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Well, that's about it for this week's episode. I'd like to thank Crank Boy for stepping in with some helpful household advice, Laurel for compiling the questions, and of course, Beerbelly the Invisible Clown. See you next week, pigs!

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