Friday, March 11, 1994

Howdy, Random Rangers! This week here on "Random Access," we're proud to present the winners of the 23rd annual "Random Access Poetry and Short Fiction Competition." Each year, we accept submissions from all over this great land of ours, and our panel of fine, well-educated judges gets drunk, rolls some dice, and picks the winners. This year's topic was "There Are Dozens Of Ways To Kill A Human Being." Let's take a look at the winners, shall we?

Our third place winner is decrepit ol' Selmer Johansen, that funny- looking guy who lives in the steam tunnels. His short story is entitled "There Are Dozens Of Ways To Kill A Human Being."

I was drinkin' and drivin' the other day when I smashed into a minivan and killed almost half a dozen young 'uns and their hapless parents. I said to myself, "Self, how irresponsible can you get! That family's pro'lly got loved ones who'll be sadder than a coon in a stew when they find out!" So's I set about gettin' rid of those loved ones right away. Some of 'em was easy to find, layin' around in their beds, and there I come with my sulfuric acid collection. Others tried to run, but my pet tigers can outrun damn near anyone. Ever see a tiger eat an ol' lady in a wheelchair? Tarnation! I could barely hold the video camera, I was laughing so hard. Pretty soon I'd wiped out the whole family, and had had quite the time doing it. I settled in back at the tunnels and downed a glass of hooch from my still, thinking to myself, "If you put a shrimp fork through a guy's eyeball, I wonder if he'd notice you was skinnin' his girlfriend alive."

Thanks, Selmer, for your enlightening take on the subject! As third place winner, you'll receive a year's supply of grease from the Hardee's in the student union, two free passes to the 3rd annual Dean Constantine Curris Monster Truck Pull, and a big bar of soap -- don't use it all in one place!

Our second place entry is a poem called "There Are Dozens Of Ways To Kill A Human Being," by associate professor of hydropaleoanthroaesthetics and Cajun cuisine, Skippy Peanut Butter.

        There are dozens

         Of ways to kill



                a



        HUMAN BEING!

                (death death death death)



        whisper in a small child's ears,

                "hey, want some



            CANDY?"  (death death death)



        Whoops!  Sorry, kid --

                that's my POISON candy!

           (death death death - ha ha ha!)



           Sorry to drive over your

                HEAD, GRANDMA!



           (murder kill death groovy!)



                Some ways to kill are more

        Fun than others.  Have you tried



                                evisceration?

                (mmm -- tasty!)



        Whoops!  Sorry to stuff that hand grenade down your

                STINKING THROAT, REVEREND!

        I bet the LORD can put you back together, ha ha!

                (death death death - more fun than TV!)

Yowsa, Skippy, that sure was more fun that TV, except, of course, that episode of "The A-Team" where Mr. T said "I pity the fool" and Dwight Schultz acted like a crazy person.

Our second place entry will receive a year's supply of dirt -- fresh out of the ground, no less -- and a big jar of pig's blood! Drink up!

Our first place entry was submitted by none other than our own Crank Boy, who turned in this sparkling piece of prose, entitled, "There Are Dozens Of Ways To Kill A Human Being."

People suck. What the hell are we waiting for? The sooner we rip this planet apart with our teeth, the better. Let's not feed those hungry countries -- let's pave those hungry countries. I've got a tact nuke in my basement -- anyone wanna see some real global warming? I bet the LORD can put us back together!

Thanks, Crank Boy! And thanks to all our Random Rangers out there! Try not to get hit by a bus this week, pigs!