Friday, April 22, 1994

(Last week on "Random Access": As the nefarious Columbian drug lord Raphael escaped with double agent Crank Girl, Special Agent 23 found himself surrounded by Raphael's goons and a horde of flesh-eating zombies.)

I knew it was all over for Western civilization if Raphael got a chance to use those black market nuclear weapons. The stench of undead, rotting zombie bodies was enough to make me long for the days of cool, serene bubble baths back at Crank Girl's place. That treacherous double agent! It would be a pleasure bringing her to justice, if I could just avoid having my brain eaten.

It was time to start hauling out the heavy artillery. As the goons began firing and the zombies began tearing at my skin, I frantically punched a series of buttons on my special agent wristwatch/doomsday device. Instantly, a high-pitched, screeching tone -- the kind only dogs and flesh-eating zombies can hear -- filled the air, and the zombies began to collapse in a strange undead parody of ear-splitting pain.

The goons hesitated, seeing their horrible allies immobilized, and that hesitation was all I needed. I pressed another series of buttons on my wristwatch/doomsday device, and another high-pitched, screeching tone -- the kind only dogs and Raphael's goons can hear -- filled the air, and the goons began to collapse in a strange mafioso parody of ear-splitting pain.

A desperate search turned up the secret passageway into which Raphael and Crank Girl had escaped. I slid open the secret panel in the floor, turned on the flashlight on my special agent wristwatch/doomsday device, and lowered myself into the tunnel in the floor. Quickly I was sliding out of control, down, down, down, toward some unseen and unspeakably weird destination. Never before had I been so frightened, as I plummeted with ever-increasing speed, miles and miles and miles into what must have been the very bowels of the Earth itself.

I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. I saw all the good times I'd had, growing up on the good side of Waterloo, performing in little skits like "Fiddler On The Roof" at the local playhouse, graduating from high school without ever once being stabbed. I remembered the warm glow I felt in my heart of hearts when "We Are The World" was released. I remembered the warm glow I felt in my heart of hearts when my friend and I broke into our church and drank the blood of Christ. I remembered my days at UNI, where I double majored in theatre and killing people. But mostly, I remembered the Alamo.

Horribly weird, strangely psychedelic light began to fill the tunnel, and an ominous voice soon filled the air. The voice spoke in some strange kind of foreign language, and I once again cursed the fact that people on this planet still spoke languages other than English. Suddenly I shot out of the tunnel and sailed through the air. I barely had time to activate the instant airbag option on my special agent wristwatch/doomsday device.

I landed softly, leapt to my feet and looked about me. I was in a small room, surrounded by five closed doors. It was obvious that Raphael and Crank Girl had slipped away through one of these doorways. But how would I ever tell which one?

A sign on the first door said, "Dimension of Unbridled Lust." I decided to save that one for later. The next door said, "Valhalla, the Hall of the Gods." That place was no fun these days, not since Thor had begun starring in his own comic book. The next door said, "Free drugs!" and it took all of my training to keep me from abandoning my mission entirely. The next door said, "Nothing But Sequels!" I decided to try that door next time around. The final door provided the clue: "Raphael and Crank Girl went this way!"

I mustered up all my courage and threw open the door. And what I saw amazed even me...

(Next week on "Random Access": The thrilling conclusion to the adventures of Special Agent 23!)