Friday, May 6, 1994

Well, Random Rangers, it's been an incredible year here at "Random Access," and on behalf of myself and the entire "Random Access" staff, I'd just like to thank all of you loyal, misguided readers who didn't decide to kill me this year. Your pal Scotto's about to graduate and move to a real city, where I'll be doing some landscaping, some plumbing, and a great deal of illegal drugs. But before I go, I thought I'd pass on five bits of hard- earned advice to those of you who might be lonely, lost, and wandering through this murky, terrifying, existential forest we call Life:

1. When approached by aliens while hallucinating wildly on all kinds of illegal drugs, stay calm. You will come down eventually, and besides, they are probably only tourists.

2. Resorting to violence is no way to solve the problems of the world. It is, however, a great deal of fun, especially when drunk.

3. When being served specks of plutonium in your waffles by the American government, don't count on Aunt Jemima to pay your medical expenses.

4. The next time a number 17 or a number 23 tells you you're a complete asinine jerk, believe it. Numbers don't lie.

5. Feeling down? Look at it this way: Every day you're not being shelled by the Serbs is a great way to be alive!

I'd also like to take this time to let you know what the staff of "Random Access," past and present, is up to these days. For many of these insipid wastes of DNA, "Random Access" was the closest thing to stardom they'll ever experience, and each one of them would like to thank you, our loyal, misguided readers, for paying more attention to us than to, say, student government or some such.

"'Random Access' was a cathartic experience for me," says former cast member, my good friend Crank Boy. "The expensive, illegal drugs... the rampant sexual misbehavior... it was just like a Van Halen video in the early 80s." Crank Boy now volunteers as a Big Brother in Waterloo during the day, and at night, he volunteers as a Big Sister at Tuxedo's triple-X dance club. "One thing I learned during the run of 'Random Access' was to let it all hang out, even the parts with strange diseases."

"The suicide episode [ed note: not currently available online] was a challenge for me as an actor," reports former cast member and close friend, Laurel. "I think we beat Kurt Cobain to the punch on that one, and we did it with a lot more finesse." Laurel now divides her time between starting a new religion ("it's the end of the world out there, you know?") and hunting vampires in the Cedar Falls metro area. She says, "Don't be surprised if your loved ones turn out to be bloodsuckers."

"I was never able to kick the 'pansy' image," laments former cast member, the archangel Gabriel. "I guess wings and a halo aren't exactly 'macho' accoutrements, huh." After his stint with "Random Access," Gabriel returned to his former career in the service of God Almighty, performing "odd jobs, you know, rehearsing with the choirs of seraphim, keeping those adorable little cherubs out of trouble, cheering up the Messiah with little mime skits when He gets depressed..."

Former cast member Satan, Lord of Evil, says, "Doing 'Random Access' was great for my self-esteem. People need to understand that just because I'm the enemy of all things good in the world doesn't mean I don't have a sensitive side." Satan reports that since his time on "Random Access," the number of Satanists on the UNI campus has risen dramatically, a statistic he's quite proud of. "This just proves that higher education isn't a waste after all!"

A couple of "Random Access" staffers weren't available for comment. Beerbelly the Invisible Clown has joined an invisible circus, where he delivers his "special" brand of fun to all the little boys and girls. Nefarious Columbian drug lord Raphael saw his fame increase after his cameos with us, and has taken a small part as the nasty babysitter on upcoming episodes of "Full House."

Thanks for reading this year, friends. Question everything you've ever been told about anything. And get drunk often!