Dr. Ugly took his own sweet time heading down Denny Way. He relished the thought of the coming confrontation, and in no way wanted to rush things, not after the amount of time he'd spent locked up in that hell hole of an asylum/hair salon. He savored each delicious step of freedom and domination over Seattle. Soon the entire city would crumble to its knees before him, and that wretch Scotto would be his to do with as he pleased.

But, you know, we spent a lot of time in the kitchen once we got back inside. I mean, you know, "parties always wind up in the kitchen," etc., plus I started getting really good visuals off the kitchen ceiling, and Laurel told us this really funny story about when she was a high school cheerleader and she got everyone stoned and got some big hair to tattoo a Nike logo on her forehead. And of course, Crank Boy and I really, really like Mad Dog 20/20, and once we start drinking, it's kind of hard to just, you know, stop or something.

So at long last, Dr. Ugly arrived at the Seattle Center, home of the World's Tallest Space Needle, and I of course was nowhere in sight. This completely infuriated Dr. Ugly. I mean, I guess you get all worked up about a subject, whether it's ornithology, or jazz music, or torturing your arch nemesis, and you can't just easily face disappointment about it. When it became completely apparent that I was nowhere to be seen, Dr. Ugly decided that perhaps I hadn't gotten the message. Perhaps, for whatever reason, I hadn't been paying attention to his awful rampage, and perhaps he needed to make things a lot clearer. Perhaps, that twisted little excuse for a brain of his thought, a drastic alteration to the Seattle skyline would convince Scotto to come out to play….

He stormed through the Seattle Center plaza, ignoring the surroundings as he focused his attention on the Space Needle. He was wearing his hood, for he didn't want the Space Needle to have any idea what was about to hit it. He strolled right up to its mammoth base, surveying the pathetic "gift shop" that took up the ground floor. A glass elevator slowly ascended the six hundred plus feet to the rotating restaurant up top, and Dr. Ugly watched the suckers inside with a kind of murderous glee. Weren't they in for a treat! The "futuristic" curved beams that held up that giant, opulent bauble were never designed to withstand what was to come next.

He concentrated all of his available ugliness on the Needle, and then, with a dramatic, villainous flourish, he removed his hood.

At first, nothing happened, and for the briefest of moments Dr. Ugly wondered if his features might have somehow miraculously reverted to their earlier, aesthetically pleasing form. Then, he heard it - an enormous wrenching wail emanating from deep within the tons of steel that comprised the Needle. He took an instinctive step back. The Needle lurched suddenly away from him, and he could hear the miniscule screams of the trapped tourists above; indeed, the sound practically had a tickling effect on him, and he giggled like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Suddenly the ground itself started to quake, and Dr. Ugly hurriedly threw on his hood and began to make tracks. The Needle's 5,000 ton concrete foundation was deliberately, desperately wrenching itself free of the earth below it. It began to rise like a colossal juggernaut, the best efforts of the 1962 World's Fair suddenly rocketing dozens of extra feet into the air, somehow managing to maintain structural integrity as it broke free of its earthly manacles. The gift shop at the base crumpled and folded in protest.

For a brief, beautiful moment, the Space Needle actually hung suspended in air above the ground. Indeed, Dr. Ugly recognized the delicious irony in the fact that he alone, sole master of the realm of ugliness, could provoke and witness such an astonishingly beautiful display. The laws of physics themselves were protesting the sheer fact of his ugliness. Debris rained down the side of the long-buried foundation in a kind of slow motion ballet of destruction.

And then, it began to descend.

The Needle crashed back to earth a full twenty feet or so away from its original spot. The concrete foundation sank deep within the ground once again, but not nearly as far as it had originally been poured. No, this time, something was quite different - the Needle had no desire whatsoever to find itself lodged in place anywhere near such ugliness. Within moments of crashing back down, it was already lurching forward and upward once again, springing out of the ground like a giant "futuristic" pogo stick.

The true beauty of the situation, Dr. Ugly soon realized, was that the Needle had no intention of stopping, even now that he had replaced the hood upon his head. The Needle had seen the face of ugly, and it would not stop fleeing until it was safe somewhere up in the Yukon maybe. And so, in gigantic, mesmerizing hops, it lurched through Seattle, first up toward Capitol Hill, then following the highway up north. And with each incredible hop, the vast concrete foundation demolished huge chunks of Seattle neighborhoods, as though a series of meteors were striking Seattle in succession.

Surely Scotto will have to notice this inspired mayhem, thought Dr. Ugly. There was no way he could avoid the sight of the Space Needle galloping across town. Once again he found himself lusting after that precious moment when he would have me in his grasp, and would subject me to insane humiliations unlike any the world had ever seen before. First, there would be the enforced Love Boat viewing… oh yes, there would be many hours of enforced Love Boat viewing. Then would come the enforced John Tesh listening… oh yes, there would be many hours of enforced John Tesh listening. And then would come the coup de grace: the enforced Love Boat viewing with the simultaneous, enforced John Tesh listening. He could already hear my desperate screams in his head, and could only imagine how much more delightful those screams would be once he had recorded them and sequenced them and laid down a real phat beat behind them. We're talking top 40, bayBEE!

He sat at the former location of the World's Tallest Space Needle, and waited for my inevitable arrival.