Flying backwards in time in order to change the future is not something you just do recreationally. It takes a lot of skill, concentration, and control, combined with a preternatural intelligence and a cunning beyond measure. Having none of these attributes whatsoever, it was inevitable, then, that my first attempt might meet with something less than success.

Indeed, my first landing was so far back in time that Neanderthals walked the Earth. I surprised a small tribe of them as I landed in a beautiful prairie. One of them threw a rock at me, which I decided was a really mean thing to do. I picked the rock back up and threw it right back, smacking the little hulking shit right in the forehead. He keeled over dead, his compadres took off into the wilderness, and I had a nice little laugh at Grog of Grogville's expense.

It was clear my timing was off. I launched back into the future, and this time touched down on a bright sunny day in Dallas, Texas, of all places. A shot rang out, and bounced off my stylish cape. On a motorway nearby, President Kennedy was not shot through the head, and I realized, man, that was going to make Oliver Stone really irritated someday. Moments later, however, twelve shots rang out from fourteen different directions, and Kennedy's head popped open like a grapefruit. Relieved, I took off into the future once more, steadily getting the hang of things.

My destination was the University of Northern Iowa campus, and this time, my aim was true, as I checked the date on the local newspaper and realized I had landed back in Iowa on that fateful day when I had accidentally tipped Percy into that vat of radioactive goo beneath the campus. There was still time to avert Percy's awful transformation. I saw myself, Crank Boy, and Laurel all entering the student union together, and I knew that I had to act fast. However, my super-hero suit would undoubtedly attract too much attention, and so I stopped by the Campus Republicans office nearby to beat up someone who deserved it and take his clothes. It was hard to decide who was most deserving; they were all so smarmy and self-righteous that I decided to beat them all up and just take a piece of clothing from everyone. It was fair that way, after all.

Properly disguised, I raced over to the Student Union. A wall of nostalgia raced over me as I careened through the revolving door, and overlooked a sea of fresh young faces at a wide array of tables. So many hopeful people… and only I knew that in a few short years, their youthful optimism would be systematically eliminated by the Man as a matter of course. Oh sure, some would go on to "succeed" in their "career paths," but the truth was, here they existed in the last protected bubble of space and time they would ever know. I almost wanted to jump up on the table and shout, "START THE DRUG ABUSE NOW, PEOPLE, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED THE EXPERIENCE LATER!" but I knew that would be rude and counterproductive. Plus, no one in their right mind would listen to a Campus Republican anyway.

And then, the clock started ticking, as Percy entered the opposite side of the Student Union. There he was, in all his gorgeous glory… before I destroyed his face, and destroyed his psyche, and gave him those terrible powers. I felt suddenly sorry for the bastard. Maybe I had never given him a chance back in those days, back when I was callous with youth instead of callous with slightly less youth. I slowly made my way through the Union to join him in line at the Hardee's.

I clapped him on the back and said, "Hey, Percy, let me buy you a ham and cheese sandwich. My treat."

Percy turned to me with eyes wide with childlike wonder. They were eyes that had never known kindness from me, his idol, and I could see the tiny little hamster wheel behind his eyes churning, attempting to process this new experience.

"Wh… when did you grow that beard and mustache?" he asked in a plaintive tone.

"Last night," I replied. I shrugged. "I was bored. You know how it is."

I bought him a sandwich and grabbed myself a bag of fries, paying for it with one of the hundreds I found tucked in my Republican pants pockets. We found a nearby table and sat down. It was almost charming in a way, the kind of puppy dog giddiness that Percy fought to contain, lest he annoy me away like he usually did.

"You know, Percy," I said, "I don't think I've ever really taken the time to get to know you. To find out what makes Percy tick. To find out about your interests, your dreams, your passions, your fears. You know, all that goopy human stuff that theoretically goes on inside you despite any real evidence of it. Tell me about yourself, Percy. Just who exactly are you?"

He hesitated only briefly, before starting into his story. He spoke slowly, overcoming his shyness piece by piece, and eventually, dropping his dorky veneer and revealing a surprisingly kind and interesting person. We spoke for half an hour or so about the deep matters of the world that concerned us both, and I marveled at how I had misjudged this wayward soul. It was clear that only the radiant forcefulness of my own personality had caused such foolish behavior on his part; he simply wanted friendship, and I had been too closed off in my own miserable world of self-loathing and apathy to notice.

Then I realized the mushrooms were finally wearing off, and I snapped back to reality, which was me sitting across the table from the biggest dorkass the world had ever known. Fortunately, out of the corner of my eye, I saw myself, Laurel and Crank Boy meander out of the lounge and right out of the Student Union. The crisis had been averted. It was time to make my escape.

"Percy," I said, marshalling all my acting skill toward this last task, "I want you to know how truly wonderful it's been to get to know you. But now, I've got to go to class… and something else. You mustn't ever speak to me again, Percy. Not ever. If you do, I'll deny we ever had this conversation. You're just… too… intense for me, Percy. You're not like the other kids here. You're an old soul filled with wisdom and energy, and I mustn't get too close to you. No, Percy, I will take these lessons and learn them in my own way…and perhaps someday, years from now, you and I can attempt to be friends, the way the student returns to the guru after years of wandering meditation. I hope you understand, Percy."

A long pause followed.

"Huh?" Percy said.

"Wipe the cheese off your chin," I replied.

"Oh," he said. "Thanks."

And with that, I departed the Student Union once and for all, and headed back to my own time…