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The Importance of Being Fucked Up

Scene One

(PRESHOW SOUND: Something light and loungy.)

(The MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER enters; there is a card table set up USR with a pitcher of water and a glass. The SPEAKER takes the mic like a practiced professional as people mill about; eventually the lights come down and focus moves to the SPEAKER.)


Is everyone okay out there? Does everyone have a seat? Is everyone comfortable?... Can you hear me okay, can everyone hear me okay? Hey, can you all hear me back there? Is there any problem hearing me, can you all hear me okay? Okay, great. That's great. Well, why don't we get started, as long as you all are here, and if people want to file in after we start, we can have them stand in the back. I know these sessions can get very crowded with people who just, who just want to know what I'm all about, and I understand that, but we do have to start on time, don't we. So let's get started, let's just get started.

Well, first of all, hi everyone! How are you? ... Good, good. Let me introduce myself to those of you who might be attending one of my seminars for the first time, and we'll just call this a reintroduction to those of you who already know and deeply respect me. My name is Scott O. Moore, my friends call me Scotto - and I'm sure all of you here tonight will be calling me Scotto before the seminar is over, and that's okay. And I really am pleased that you all decided to join me here this evening, whether you caught one of my many appearances on daytime talk programs, or whether you caught my informercial "Life The Scotto Way", which I need to point out, is one of the highest rated infomercials in the 3-5 a.m. cable television time slot - thank you, thank you -- or maybe you saw one of several books at the bookstore, maybe a friend handed you a copy of "You Too Can Be Scotto" or maybe you were in the doctor's office and you picked up a copy of "The Many Loves Of Scotto"... and you found yourself intrigued. And you said to your wife, or your husband, or your uncle, or your tennis partner, or your therapist, or your parole officer, you said, "You know... I could really learn a lot from that Scotto. Maybe I need to look a little more closely at what he's got to say." Right? Right? That sounds familiar to some of you, right?

Well, I'm glad you did. And I'm glad you're here. Because I'm at a very exciting place in my life right now, and I've got a lot I need to share with you. And I want you to know, you're a very special group for me here. I haven't given this particular lecture anywhere else yet. Oh, certainly these ideas have been in my mind for a long, long time, for years now, gestating, percolating... these ideas came to me like rough diamonds, and over the years I've been chipping at them, polishing them, condensing these ideas down to their purest form, their most ... perfect form, and now, here, tonight, I'd like to give you a brief overview of what you can expect out of my upcoming series of three-week retreats to the beautiful island of Hawaii, three weeks in which you'll have the opportunity to hear these ideas in exceptional and powerful detail, a series of three-week retreats that I'm calling, simply, "Becoming One With Scotto."

So I want you all to consider what brought you here today... consider what brought you here, and why you're still here. For me, it's been a long, long, terrible road to get to the place I am today, a road that's been filled with tragedy, misery, back-breaking labor, intense and painful periods of self-discovery punctuated by horrifying and desperate periods of drug-crazed debauchery and mindless depravity, and I'm here to tell you folks that -- as much "fun" as all of that was -- and I mean, WOW that was some fun I had -- there came a time when I had to call it off and just plain come to my senses if I intended to build a media empire out of exploiting those who simply don't know any better.

Now of course I'm not talking about you folks. Obviously you all are completely media savvy and you understand that the books I sell and the seminars I give by and large are just a bunch of bullshit. YOU people are my TRUE audience. YOU people, you're the wise ones, you're the ones who know how to navigate the blistering media consciousness that defines our day and age. You're capable of sifting through commericals and admiring them for their artistic sensibility... without needing to BUY the paper towels or CONSUME the TV dinners. You're capable of not only watching a television program, but understanding the economic forces that are at play for a given program, the syndication rights and the salary disputes and the nielsen ratings and the pinup status of the stars... I mean, you people were brought up on the stuff, you people were, pardon my, pardon my French here... you people were suckled at the teat of mass media culture. It's in your blood. It's coursing through your veins. With every compact disc you add to your collection, with every seven dollars you plunk down to see the latest natural disaster on the big screen, you people get your fix.

And I have to admit, all right, I have to admit, that I'm a part of it. A willing participant in media culture. I love it. I mean, last week, last week I was a special guest on that Geraldo program, and I mean, I swear to God I've never had so much fun talking about the boils on my ass and what they mean, all right, but I mean, HEY. You people understand all that. And nobody's gonna sucker you people. You media savvy mother fuckers, I just, I just look into your eyes and I just wanna, I just wanna, you know, I mean, it's like, right, you know, you know? But I digress.

You people didn't come here because of that, and god knows, I appreciate that. I mean, it wasn't you people who bought twelve million copies of my last book, "The Scottotian Prophecy" in it's first week out of the gate. No, it was twelve million uneducated, uninformed, unimaginative, relentlessly poor and desperately hopeful individuals trapped in trailer parks and nursing homes ALL across the midwest who were my TARGET audience for that book. And when I wrote "Life The Scotto Way," I knew I would never con you people into believing that my life is the end all and be all of possible modes of human existence in the universe, not the way I conned twenty-eight out of fifty states into purchasing on average two copies per person per capita each week for a year running. It wasn't you all who made me, an enormous con artist, FILTHY stinking rich at the business of... simply being Scotto. No! No, I think we all have to admit, it was stupid people who bought those books, and I'm not talking about you people.

So I'm glad you're here tonight. I'm glad you're in on the joke with me. I'm glad you see me for what I am, and I'm glad you all finally want a piece of what I have to offer. Because the fact of the matter remains, you may not have read "Life The Scotto Way," but you can still probably tell that Life The Scotto Way is a totally fucking badass experience, okay? I mean, come ON people, is that not obvious? And you can HAVE it. And that's why you're HERE, at this seminar. Because you're ready for the wealth. And the charm. And the sex and the drugs. You're ready to FEEL what it's like to be Scotto. That's what you're here for, and that's what this seminar is about. We need to just cut through all the bullshit and get right to the heart of the matter. You people are bombarded with thousands of signals a day from sources that are completely beyond your control, and some of those signals, whether you like it or not, are penetrating you, are getting into you, are affecting you, are changing you, and I just, I just think it's high time that you let MEEEEEEE do the changing, because that's the ONLY way you'll ever Become One... With Scotto!

So I have a few simple guidelines that I'd like to suggest to you as you begin your transformation into calmer, more rational, and much more intelligent human beings. The first of these is: "Always Keep A Straight Face." And friends, that is just so important. Why don't we practice that right now? On the count of three, everyone out there keep a straight face. Are you ready? One. Two. Three. (pause) Not bad. Now what's the benefit of keeping a straight face? Well, for starters, a straight face will keep your enemies from knowing that underneath all that, you're a quivering, horrified, existential morass of a human being. And that's good. They mustn't know the depths of your despair, because then they can exploit you, instead of the other way around. Keeping a straight face despite the insane absurdity of day-to-day living in the modern world may require surgical intervention, but most of you are headed that direction anyway, so you may as well get a head start. So that's the first guideline.

The second guideline that you need to consider on the road to Becoming One With Scotto is: "Live Each Day As Though It Was The Last Day On Earth For Several Of Your Closest Friends." Obviously the people around us in the world are very very important to all of us, but eventually we have to realize... they aren't always going to be there, and when they go, we need to be prepared to take as much of their stuff as we can. Oh, now I'm not referring to material goods... not strictly. We also need to be ready to assume as many of their positive personal qualities as humanly possible... and if after doing so, they still haven't left, we really need to be prepared to get rid of them. Oh, now I'm not referring to physical violence... not strictly. There are plenty of psychological ways to break a person, that's all I'm saying.

That leads us directly to our third guideline. "Violence Is Not The Answer. Violence Is The Question. The Answer Is Yes."

(SPEAKER gets drink of water.)

The fourth guideline, one of the more pivotal notions you need, really really need to take home with you after you leave this seminar and trudge back to your mindless, dronelike existence, is this: "Just Because Everything About Your Life Sucks Doesn't Mean You Can't Enjoy Your Life." Look, it's not just your life that sucks. The entire world sucks, isn't that totally obvious by now? I mean, come on, who are these, who are these neo-hippie new age fuckwads who are trying to tell us that reality is cool? Science has proven that for the average person on the planet today, it really isn't! Maybe I'm being petty here, but let's just examine the evidence. Fundamentalist Christians suck. Our two party political system sucks. Every other political system on the planet sucks. The War on Drugs sucks. The phone company sucks. Forty hour work weeks suck. Fifty hour work weeks suck. Working for The Man sucks. The people ahead of you in line at the grocery store suck. People magazine sucks. TV Guide sucks. Credit cards suck. The Internal Revenue Service sucks and sucks and sucks. Whiny liberal yuppies driving shiny BMWs and complaining about how the government doesn't do enough for the poor suck. Big businesses trashing global ecostructures suck. Lazy Americans who keep buying shit from these businesses suck. Consumer culture, culture driven by the need to possess more and more and more, sucks. Terrorists bombing embassies and abortion clinics suck. People burning churches to the ground suck. Schoolkids blowing away other schoolkids suck, and Charleton Heston really sucks. Blind hatred based on pure ethnicity provoking mass carnage sucks. Sending in the troops to kill people in order to stop them from killing other people sucks now, and it will always suck, and we will never stop doing it, and everything about it sucks.

But so what? What does any of that have to do with you? Not a FUCKING THING! Look, I have no intention of telling you that you've got any power over the situation, whether it's local politics or national activism or whatever the fuck trips your trigger. I have no intention of telling you that you've got any power over the situation, because you'll start thinking power is the point and it ain't! You get exactly one opportunity at screaming through this life. As far as the universe is concerned, you are like a mosquito smashing against the windshield of planet Earth. So you can either spend your time squealing about how unfair it all is, or you can commence getting down with your funky ass self pretty much immediately! And the best way to do that, friends, better than dancing all night, better than consuming every drug in your vicinity in mass quantities, better than pushing a child down the stairs or kicking your mother off the end of a pier, the best way to do that, is of course, to become one... with Scotto!

Which leads us directly to the fifth and final guideline of the evening, the last guideline you're going to get from me tonight, the last important bit of jewel-encrusted wisdom straight from the mouth of Scotto, if you've got a pen or a pencil, write this down, if you've got the means, tattoo this on your significant other's ass, if physically possible, brand this on the palm of your hand and recite it to yourself while masturbating. The fifth and final guideline, friends, "Master The Art Of Oral Sex, And Apply Those Skills To EVERYTHING In Your Life." And that, my friends, is about all I intend to say about that.

Now I'm not going to tell you that living Life The Scotto Way is easy. It isn't. It requires an enormous amount of concentration, dedication, and commitment to the highest ideals possible. You've got to have a heart... and you've got to have it right here. In the right place. You've got to have a ridiculous amount of insidious charisma, and folks, this is something you can acquire easily, with nothing more than the right combination of prescription medications. You must be able to convey the impression of being intelligent, despite the fact that you are a complete bumbling idiot in the world! It's easy! I do it all the time! And I can teach you how to do it. I can teach any of you. I can give you access to mysterious, unearthly realms. I can bring meaning back into your life. I can do this without even really thinking about it, because you know, I've been Scotto for a long fucking time, and I know a few things about how it fucking works! You've got nothing to fear! You've had this experience here with me tonight; just imagine what three weeks in Hawaii with me, alone in a hotel conference room, could do for your general sanity? I assure you, the bagels will be fresh!

So you think about it. And before I go, I want to leave you with a little anecdote. I want to take you back into the past, ever so briefly. I don't like to dwell on the way things were. Those times are over, and I've put them behind me. But I need you to know... that I wasn't always the lovable, exceptional Scotto you see before you today. There was a time in the distant, distant past when I was... something less. When I was a person who wandered the earth with no direction, with no sense of clarity, with no understanding that the world had more to offer me. There was a time when I ate fast food and enjoyed it. There was a time when I considered Bruce Springsteen to be a deep individual. There was a time when I went to church every Sunday, a time when I felt connected to my family, a time when I thought the Gulf War was a necessary evil. And then I discovered... Scotto. Lurking in the corridors of my brain. It's almost as though this personality, this Scotto, was available to me all along, floating in the atmosphere waiting for me to channel it. Now I cannot say if I am Scotto or if Scotto is me. It does not matter. I had that moment of truth, when the personality known as Scotto activated itself within me, and I accepted it. I remember it clearly. I remember the moment clearly. I remember the first words Scotto said to me before the previous vestiges of my childish, stupid self gave way to something far more incredible. I remember those words so desperately, I cling to them, for they provide the only measure of Hope I have ever been able to attain in this world. I remember the tone of voice that Scotto used to whisper those words into my ear, into my brain. I remember the soothing sense of deep ethereal consolation that came from hearing those words. I remember the instant sense of calm and compassion that swept over me as Scotto took hold of me, transformed me, grabbed me by the soul and turned me toward the light. I remember what Scotto said to me.

He said:


(MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER continues speaking, but the music drowns him out completely as he finishes his speech with a flourish.)

(SET CHANGE: When SPEAKER is finished, remove water from card table. Bring card table and one chair dead center stage, as close to the lip as possible.)
(SOUND CUE: Crossfade from previous cue into NEWS THEME.)
(COSTUME CHANGE: Remove suit coat.)

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