ANCHOR
Good evening, my name is Scotto, and you're tuned to The News. On tonight's newscast: the universe is out to get you. It was designed by a cruel, cold, uncaring god who wants nothing more than to see you suffer. And, recent breakthroughs in the war on cancer give assholes a new lease on life; should insurance companies be allowed to withhold advanced treatment for assholes, or should these total fucking assholes be allowed to live and possibly breed? All this and more, coming right up on The News.
ANNOUNCER (over music)
You're watching The News, your nightly round up of stuff that somebody else thinks is important. With your charismatic but shallow anchorperson -- Scotto.
(SOUND CUE: NEWS THEME builds and then fades.)
ANCHOR
Good evening, and welcome to The News. Tonight's top story: I've been sleeping with your girlfriend. That's right, while you've been at work, I've secretly been sleeping with your girlfriend. She's great! In other news, the Republican party today was surprised when a new presidential hopeful announced his candidacy: Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Many Republicans were stunned to find that Christ does NOT support the death penalty; and business leaders across the nation were shocked to learn that despite centuries of technological advances, it is STILL easier for camels to get through the eyes of needles than for rich assholes to get into heaven. As one CEO put it: "Shit, man. Fuck." In international news tonight, despite widespread protests after last year's nuclear tests, India stunned the world by going ahead with full scale tests on their latest weapon of mass destruction, the Death Star. The American intelligence community was totally caught by surprise; as one CIA official said, "Hey, we thought it was a small moon, man, but it turned out to be a space station!" Pakistan responded by sending a small team of rebels down to the forest moon of Endor; we'll keep you updated as this story develops. And now, here's station manager Bob Watts with a cutting editorial commentary on the state of the world today. Bob?
BOB
Thanks, Scotto. Nobody gives a rat's ass. (long, long pause) Back to you, Scotto.
ANCHOR
Thanks, Bob. And now here's Alan with the weather. Alan?
ALAN
Thanks, Scotto. Well, here's tonight's forecast! We've got a stupid front moving in, and -- whoa, wait just a minute, I think it's already here! We're going to have stupidity on into tonight, with continued stupidity all night long until some time tomorrow, when -- you guessed it -- that's right, we'll have more stupidity. Our extended forecast for next week: it looks like Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday are going to come right after Monday, just like they always do. One last note tonight: a big special happy birthday tonight to Matilda Mason of Davenport, Iowa, who turned 179 years old today! Matilda's been shitting dirt for the past 62 of those years, but that tenacious old biddy's been sticking it out! Congratulations, Matilda, if you're watching tonight, we've sent over a special birthday bowl of goop just for you! You old coot. Back to you, Scotto.
ANCHOR
Thanks, Alan. Now here's Madeleine with tonight's Entertainment Beat. Madeleine?
MADELEINE
Thanks, Scotto. Well, it's been a blockbuster week for Hollywood. The hit new film "People Shooting At Each Other" rocketed to the top of the heap with a weekend gross of eleventy billion dollars. Number two this weekend was the hit new film "Guns Going Off Everywhere", which was closely followed by the hit new film "Bullets Killing Bodies" and the hit new film "So Many Bullets, So Few People". Rounding out the top five was the hit new film "Sympathetic Older Woman Gets A Disease And Everybody Cries". And in television, Tinseltown is buzzing over who will win in this Sunday's People Favorite Crap Awards. Will the hit sitcom "Buds" beat out the hit sitcom "Buddies" for the coveted "Best Sitcom Set It An Apartment None Of The Annoying Main Characters Could Possibly Afford"? Who can say, but Lord knows -- I'll be watching. On a final note, beloved character actor Stumpy McDonald passed away today. Stumpy starred in hundreds of popular films in the '30s and '40s before being totally forgotten by younger generations. He died alone and miserable, and if anyone more famous had died today, we wouldn't have even told you about it. That's it for today's Entertainment Beat. Back to you, Scotto.
ANCHOR
Thanks, Madeleine. Now here's Laura with tonight's Health Beat. Laura?
LAURA
Thanks, Scotto! Well, headlines this week confirmed what scientists long suspected: some people really do have their heads stuck right up their asses! It's true! They've got 'em stuck so far up their asses they can chew on their own goddamn spleens! I don't know how they do it, Scotto! How do they do it? They just walk around with their heads stuck right up their asses, and you just wanna shout, "HEY, YOUR HEAD IS STUCK RIGHT UP YOUR ASS!" but their heads are so far up there they can't even hear you. Here's how you can tell if someone you know has his head stuck right up his ass: Check his ass. If his head is right up in there, it's probably STUCK there. That's all for Health Beat this week. Tune in next Monday when we report on people with ACTUAL SHIT for brains! Back to you, Scotto.
ANCHOR
Thanks, Laura. Now here's Greg with tonight's Sports. Greg?
GREG
Thanks, Scotto! Well in basketball the score was 492-363 and WOW what a game, holy MOLY did you see the way that one guy did that one thing with the orange fucking ball, HOLY MOLY I mean he just, he just, you know, he just, it was FUCKING outrageous. And in baseball, the home team hit that little fucking white ball ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE, I mean, HOLY FUCKING MOLY, you never seen so many guys in tight uniforms running around trying to catch some little fucking ball for a million point three dollars a year, they just, they just, they just run around and they shout I GOT IT I GOT IT and then sometimes the ball goes over the fence and you're like WHOA WILL YOU FUCKING LOOK AT THAT WILL YOU FUCKING LOOK AT THAT! And in football, LOOK OUT EVERYONE it's the playoffs, and you know what that means - FAT OLD MEN ARE GETTING RICH! That's right, and they're SNARFING DOWN HOT DOGS at an alarming rate, and I'm just like, HEY, WHAT ABOUT US? WHAT ABOUT THE LITTLE GUYS? But they never listen, no, those big fat cats with the big fat stadiums and the city councils in their pockets and the taxpayers are all conned and, and, and the score is ZERO AVERAGE JOE, and one hundred FUCKING million for the owners, but what do I care, I just report the scores, I don't, I don't, I don't have a personal STAKE in the situation as a FAN, as someone who's dedicated my LIFE to reporting on the antics of these overpaid FUCKWADS, no sir, I, I, I, I just... I just... I just... (he devolves into a wild squealing racket, slowly devolving toward silence; then resumes normal behavior) And in tennis today, that one guy with the long hair beat the other guy completely to shit with his little racket thingie, and the score remained LUV LUV. Back to you, Scotto.
ANCHOR
Thanks, Greg. Our closing story tonight... an adorable little kitten is caught up in a tree. Firefighters are summoned to this household when 8-year-old Krista McClenn,on dials 911 because her adorable little kitten Gabby is caught up in a tree and can't find her way down. Within minutes upon their arrival, firefighters had loaded the shotgun and brought that little fucking cat down to the ground. Krista reportedly "cried a lot". Little fucking baby. And that's The News for tonight. Tune in for "Late Night The Rich And Famous" coming up next, we'll see you tomorrow. And don't forget... Courage.
(SOUND CUE: Something deep and ominous. Preferably using the "Late Night" theme but completely twisted/fucked all to hell.) (SET CHANGE: Pull table off stage. Move chair slightly SL, still near the lip.) (COSTUME CHANGE: Remove shirt and tie. Put on rock star jacket and shades.)