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Thon! (or Attack of the Clones!)

Charo & Crispin Glover

by José Amador
MAXWELL: Well, folks, boy do I have a treat for you now. Each and every year, my next guest flies up here from Mexico City. This year weíve teamed her up with yet another favorite of ours here at the Intellectual Dystrophy Telethon. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to our stage: Crispin Glover and Charo!

(Enter CHARO and CRISPIN GLOVER, who take center stage and read from cue cards before going into the act.)

CRISPIN: Hey Charo.

CHARO: Hello Crispin Glover.

CRISPIN: Thanks for letting me stay at your place in Mexico City, Charo.

CHARO: Oh yes, I hope you liked the coochi coochi.

CRIPSIN: I forget, what was that?

CHARO: You know, the coochi coochi!

CRISPIN: Right, yeah, that blew me away. You know, that reminds me, weíre supposed toÖ

CHARO: Oh yes, are you ready?

CRISPIN: Sure.

(They cross to odd points on the stage and start doing the following things at the same time.

CHARO: (standing SR, oblivious to CRISPIN, speaking seductively in bad pidgin English and occasionally shivering as if to mesmerize by showing off the goods) Donít you like to look at me? Do you ever wonder why it is so easy for you to do so? Is it because I let you? Is it because you donít think I understand? Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Donít I make you want to do bad things? Donít I make you want to want something? Thatís okay. I understand. Thatís why I dress the way I do. Itís okay. Itís okay. Itís okay. (repeat until CRISPIN reaches her)

CRISPIN: (commences to walk very slowly and awkwardly, think Butoh, across the stage while reciting the following, he will stop once he reaches CHARO) The apples that come from over there
Arenít as beautiful as her yellow hair
It is bad that itís not on the head
But I bet she wishes that she were dead
If one and three were to dance
And it looked at me askance
Wouldnít you wonder why some of it all
Ends up dried up, shriveled and tall
Gooseflesh, saggy skin and freckled meat
Donít always stop and start to beat
The band of chain and mealy goo
Is charming when eaten with spoo (Repeat at different intervals of speed until he reaches CHARO)

CHARO: Eat me.

CRISPIN: Yes.

CHARO: Drink me.

CRISPIN: Yes.

CHARO: Ice cream sundae.

CRISPIN: No.

CHARO: Love me.

CRISPIN: Yes.

(They are at an end. They turn and bow.)

MAXWELL: Magic. As always. Weíll be right back.



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