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Thon! (or Attack of the Clones!)

Celebrity Killathon

by José Amador
MAXWELL: Ladies and gentlemen, I am so overwhelmed with cheer, because you, yes you, each and every one of you, have made this telethon the unmitigated success it has been. Look! Actual tears of joy are emanating from my tearducts. Could it be, ladies and gentlemen? Could. It. Be? Well, Iím not going to be the only one who feels this good right now. No sir, I think itís time. Yes, itís time. The time has come! Let me show you what I mean. Biff?

BIFF: Ladies and gentlemen, while Max Beep gets set, I have time to tell you that we are coming to the end of the Intellectual Dystrophy Association Telethon! (MAXWELL reenters with a tray of knives and axes.) And now, it looks like Max is ready, so please give a warm hand to: (As BIFF introduces each of the following acts, an actor will come out, MAXWELL will throw a knife at them, they will catch it somewhere on their body, and stagger off to die off stage, until otherwise noted.) Joyce DeWitt! Spuds McKenzie! Nancy McKeown! Roy Scheider! The cast of Some Kind of Cult! Blippo Zuckersteinbergensmith! Xuxa! Elvira Mistress of the Dark! Gimpy McGimperson! Whereís the beef lady!

WHEREíS THE BEEF LADY: Whereís the beef? (She dies)

BIFF: Robert Englund! Dudley Moore! Tracy AND Missy Gold! (Starting with the next person, the person being killed will stagger to the floor) Jay Tarses! Dabney Coleman! Cheryl Tiegs! Fatty Arbuckle! The Olsen Twins!

(And with the Olsen Twins, MAXWELL loses it, grabs the axe and goes axiní crazy, heís axiní and axiní and axiní away at the stack of bodies. He finally tires himself out. He stands triumphant and sweaty above the bodies.)




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