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Even at the tender age of 21, I understood the value of a psychedelic shirt.

Random Access

"See, the Bible says 'big fish,' and most people assume 'whale.' Whereas I assume: drugs."
-- Jeremy "Moondog" Young

Herein are a collection of episodes from my column, Random Access, which appeared in the newspaper The Northern Iowan at the University of Northern Iowa during my senior year of college. There is much entertainment and excitement to be gleaned from the adventures of Scotto, his friend Laurel, and her cousin Crank Boy, along with all their pals: the Lord of all Evil Satan, the archangel Gabriel, Beerbelly the Invisible Clown, Old Mad King Ludwig, and celebrities of all stripes, including Paul McCartney, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and of course, Gordon Jump.

In retrospect it amazes me that these columns ever saw the light of day. Campus opinion, to the extent that I could determine it, was evenly split: people either detested these missives and considered them obnoxious and offensive, or they enjoyed seeing just exactly how much the editors would let me get away with. There are a few moments, scattered throughout, where you can tell that the 21-year-old version of me is attempting to grapple with some very large issues for the very first time. Fortunately these unskilled moments are rare and surrounded by stupid drug jokes, so don't fret.

I've scrubbed most of my college writings from this web site; the nostalgia has faded and the actual texts are ambitious but lacking. But I absolutely wanted to leave Random Access up on the off chance that it might inspire some young pup out there in the morass of conservative society to take some chances. I was in the middle of Iowa publishing this stuff; and miraculously, I got away with it because the faculty advisor for the school paper - a man I never met face-to-face - told his staff I was the best thing they had going for them that year. The freaks are out there; they might be undercover, but they're out there, and if you manage to fix up a broadcast for yourself, don't be afraid to send them a message or two.

[Note: Titles are headlines that were created by feature editors, not provided by Scotto. - Andrea Change (curator, Scottoweb)]



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